Vampire's journeys
by lovewritingpictures
Summary: What happens after season three ends, follow the vampire's journeys once the game's rules have completely changed.
1. Despair

"The prince is never going to come. Everyone knows that; and maybe sleeping beauty's dead."  
― Anne Rice, _The Vampire Lestat_

Damon sat on his bed staring through the window. Sometimes he wondered why the hell he didn't throw his ring away and die into the sun.

Alaric was gone, as was the Elena he knew.

She didn't even tell him to his face that it was Stefan, always going to be Stefan.

Then she had died and he had thought he would have died right away.

She was going to become a vampire; she was going to become the only thing she had never wanted to be.

How could Stefan have saved Matt first? Oh right, he respected Elena's decisions, he thought, which is one of the reasons that led her to choose him. He chuckled to himself, who was he kidding? He would never respect Elena's decisions if her life was in danger; it wasn't like him to do that.

"If I had met you first..." oh the irony of it, he sighed.

The worst thing though is that Elena's transition had complicated everything. He could not live now. He could not let her alone. She was going to be so lost and vulnerable... She would deny her new nature and Stefan and her friends were not going to help with that. He was the only one who could help her to embrace her new nature.

He didn't know how to do it though, staying was pure torture. He couldn't look at her in the eyes, he couldn't watch her and his brother again but he would have to do it.

Damon sighed again, to someone watching his life from the outside he must look like the greatest masochist ever since Jesus-Christ. Images of him and his mother hugging and laughing ran through his head, what had gone wrong? When the hell that was his life had begun? He was a nice child, stubborn and impulsive but generous and brave. Then she had died leaving him alone... He had never found someone to love him after that. Elena only cared for him, after everything they had gone through, all she did was care. It broke his heart. Damon thought it was pretty ironic to find out that a heart that doesn't beat can still break so many times and so loud. Katherine had only been the beginning of an eternal nightmare he couldn't end.

The only decent thing in his life was Alaric and he was gone forever, along with Rose and Andie. He felt cursed; he couldn't even come close to happiness without everybody involved in it dying.

It was going to take him a few days and a lot of alcohol to get out of his room and face reality. He thought about Elena waking up, how her head will hurt so much because her senses are going to be heightened, how she will refuse to accept reality to finally realize that she couldn't die. She couldn't do that to them, not after all the people that had died to protect her, she owned them that much.

She had told him to feel again but everything had been so fucked up since he did, if she was right and it was the best option why was he crying alone on his bed with bourbon next to him?

He was so incredibly exhausted from live, he felt like he had lived eight millions of years and even breathing was a hard task which demanded a lot of efforts from him. How many times can a heart be broken before it can't be pulled together again? Damon didn't know the answer to that question but he knew he was over the limit; his heart wasn't going to come back whole this time. There were too many open wounds, too many scars, too many tears rolling down his cheeks.

He thought about his mother again and he cried harder. He had promised her to lead a happy life and to be a good man, to take care of his little brother the best he could. He had failed her in every single way.

Oh, how he wished he could leave in the morning and get far away from Mystic Falls but he couldn't. He had promised Elena he would always choose her and never leave her. His love for her was so selfless that he was ready to destroy himself completely in order to be sure she gets her happy ending. He didn't matter anymore; he wasn't going to come back. Elena would change, Rick was a phantom –maybe he was with Jenna now- but him... then it suddenly hit him: the person that had disappeared last night was he.

Damon Salvatore, after surviving everything you can imagine, was gone. It was over, he gave up. The Damon he knew had been hurt too many times to survive.

What was he supposed to do now? He would stay; help Elena if she needed him then, when assured she is going to be fine, leave for good this time. He will leave everything in Mystic Falls: the unloved child he never got over, the brother who never really understood, the woman who lied to him for more than a century and the one who didn't want to love him. Everything was staying here while he and his Camaro will go somewhere else to be somebody new: somebody out of his perpetual misery, somebody calmed, somebody who would find peace and that –maybe- will end up being loved by some generous and giving creature of this earth.

It was either that or to die into the sun, he could always go back to the second option if the first one didn't work out.

But all of that couldn't happen immediately and he knew it. So he would put back his heart in the little box where it had been for so many decades. He would let the pieces there to assure that nobody would screw with it anymore.

He would be the kind friend, the good brother, the fair looser. Then, when everything is in place, he will leave with the sun waking up and without making a single noise. No goodbyes, no tears, no "I care about you, I'm sorry it's not enough".

He will stop to torture himself; for once he will put himself first and stop being the tragic anti-hero who is, in fact, the unknown hero of the movie.

But that would have to wait so Damon just lied on his bed, looking at his ceiling with tears in his eyes wondering if he had really been that much horrible as a person to deserve eternal unhappiness.

"This is the way the world ends  
Not with a bang but a whimper."  
― T.S. Eliot


	2. A true choice

_Thanks for the reviews, hope you like this one. _

"_Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."  
__―__Neil Gaiman__, __The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones_

"_Elena needs you"._

That's everything it took for Damon to get out of his room. He couldn't refuse going to her when she needed him, not right now because he knew she truly needed him. It wasn't a childish petition, she was becoming a vampire and he knew what that meant. Still, he thought to himself that he really needed to stop going to her every time she asks. Maybe he needed to start protecting himself for once...

Even though he couldn't deny he still had hope, a tiny hope deep inside his chest... That hope was what had kept him alive while fighting with Alaric but it had diminished with the hours and he knew that the small flicker that remained of it would go out of the window the moment he saw Elena with his brother.

He needed to let go, she had had many opportunities to go to him, to try... but she never did it. She didn't only say that it would always going to be Stefan, she showed it and he had to accept it. No matter how much he disagreed with her, which he did, he had to get it through his head. Maybe then he would be able to make it out of Mystic Falls alive, who knows.

He needed to see Elena as a friend; wait, could he ever do that? Well, now that she is a vampire she has eternity so maybe in a century or too... when the pain has eased a bit... The notions of time and distance had officially changed in Elena's life, she wanted forever with Stefan, now she had it. True, real forever.

It was going to be hard; doesn't matter how much she loves him, few people had the ability to love someone –and only that person- for centuries. Sadly, he was one of them. Once again, the irony he loved so much to use pursued him: he was able to love for centuries but couldn't find someone to love him for five minutes...

Damon chuckled, he didn't had time to cry over his life; Elena needed him.

When he arrived at Elena's house, he sensed her immediately. Her aura was even stronger as a vampire and the pain in his chest was absolutely unbearable. A thousand of stacks through his heart would have been better, at least it would end the stupid sound he heard in his head each time his heart shattered to pieces.

He entered to find Stefan in the entrance and the others on the sofas, looking at him with despise. Stefan was wearing his eternal worried face. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Don't get him wrong, Damon loved his brother –even though he wouldn't say it aloud- but he couldn't understand Stefan's eternal suffering. He had always had it all: the love, the forgiveness, the understanding... and he still didn't seem happy.

"Elena is thinking about her decision, she's going to take it soon now. She wants to talk to you".

"What have you told her?"

Stefan looked at Damon:

"That it was her choice and I would respect it".

Damon smirked, how he wished he had done the same thing for him.

Damon knocked on Elena's door; he was so not prepared for that.

He found her on the bed with her eyes lost in the space.

"How are you feeling?" he said the sweetest he could knowing she was going through a very hard time.

Elena looked up at him, a million thoughts going through her mind. She could truly feel his pain now and it was like having tiny crystals going everywhere in her body. She had been truly harsh with him during those months, she had told him "no" over the phone and she felt bad for him. He deserved so much more that what he had got in his life but she couldn't make her choice about him; it was about her and –right then- she was in Stefan's land.

"Damon, I'm sorry"

She never got to finish that sentence. If there was one thing in the world Damon didn't want, it was pity. It was always like this with her: she cared for him so she pitied him and he mistook that for others feelings.

"Don't, you made your choice. It's fine. More important things are going on now".

His eyes were calm and sure while he held her stare. Elena knew the moment he began talking that all of his walls were up again. He had decided she wasn't going anywhere near his heart and she had to respect that. She needed him, he had become her best friend but, for now, she would need to take whatever he decides to give her.

"What are you going to do Elena? This is a real choice you've got to make".

She didn't miss the allusion but decided to disregard it since he was right. There has never been a choice to begin with; one kiss, as amazing as that kiss was, could not stand against two years of epic and undying love. They both knew it, they both knew Elena had never allowed herself to get near enough Damon to develop the feelings she never truly acknowledged.

"I don't know".

Damon nodded.

Elena was surprised, wasn't he going to yell at her to live? The truth is Damon felt out of it, it wasn't really his place to tell her what to do. If he had been the one to go to the car, Matt would be dead and she would hate him but she would be still a human. He knew nobody understood it but it was who he was and he would defend his vision over everything else. He didn't need anybody's approval; he had never had it anyway.

"Why did you want me to talk to you Elena? I can't decide for you".

"I know. I wanted for you to tell me how it was for you".

Damon sighed while images of a far away past came back rushing to him.

_*FLASHBACK*_

"_Damon, Damon! We need to complete our transition! Come on!"_

_Transition? What the hell was Stefan thinking? There was no way he was going to become a vampire, not now that Katherine was gone. He wouldn't live without her, it didn't make any sense. His moment had come and, even though it had been sooner than he expected it, he was ready to embrace it._

"_I am not going to become a vampire Stefan"._

_Stefan's face fell and soon the despair was written all over it._

"_What? You are joking, right?"_

_Damon sighed._

"_No Stefan, I am not joking. The woman I love is gone. It's over"._

_Stefan clanged desperately to Damon's hand._

"_Damon, I can't do this without you. I need you"._

_Damon couldn't believe his ears, after everything that had happened with Katherine, he still had the nerve to ask something from him? Something as important as this? _

"_Stefan, it's my choice. Live eternally happy but let me die in peace"._

_Stefan broke down. He had always been the weakest, thought Damon. Everybody was extra careful around him, fearing to hurt him. With him it was exactly the inverse, people thought "oh well, he's strong, he can take it". So he took it. _

"_Damon, I need you. You're my big brother. We'll do this together, we're still brothers Damon. You're supposed to take care of me"._

_Those words hit him hard; they echoed the last wish of their mother on her death bed: "You have to take care of your little brother, promise me you will". He had promised and he had kept the promise. He provoked Giuseppe when he was drunk to protect Stefan, if he was beaten hard his brother would escape it and if he did not whimper during it, he would even sleep and never notice anything. _

_Damon looked at Stefan and he knew he was lost. He couldn't break the promise he made to her mother, he could never do that. He would keep it even if it took eternal misery to. _

"_Fine Stefan, we'll do it together. I'm not letting you alone"._

_Then while his brother hugged him tightly, the only thing Damon wanted was to die. _

Elena was wondering where had Damon's mind drifted when he suddenly look at her again.

"I didn't want to do it, I wanted to die".

"Why did you do it then?" Elena knew Damon was the kind of person to do whatever he wanted. What had stopped him to take such an important decision?

Damon sighed and looked at her in the way Elena hated because he connected with her soul at the deepest level possible.

"I had a brother Elena, and as much as it seems crazy now, I couldn't leave him alone."

"Even after the whole Katherine's fiasco?"

"I am his big brother Elena, I am responsible for him and nobody –not even Katherine- could change that".

Then Damon saw the realization sank into Elena, she had to look after Jeremy.

"Can you Elena? After everything you two have lost, can you leave him alone?"

They both knew the answer to that question and they both knew what it meant.

"Plus, you're lucky enough: your epic love is alive and waiting to help you, mine was locked in a tomb and never loved me", added Damon to lighten the mood.

Elena didn't take it like that though; it hurt her to make him feel so unloved.

"Stop Elena, don't look at me that way".

Elena tried to answer but Damon didn't give her the chance.

"I do not pity myself; I'm trying to get you to see everything you've got to win with this. I know your humanity is a big pay off, believe me, I do but I think that Jeremy and Stefan are worth it in your eyes.

And with that, knowing he had done the job, Damon turned to leave.

"Damon!"

He turned his head slightly to look at Elena.

"Will you be there? While it lasts, will you be there?"

"You know the answer to that Elena".

Damon left the house without a look or a word to anybody else. When he was in his Camaro, he heard the cries of Joy of Stefan and Elena's friends. She was going to live and it was the only thing that mattered to them.

Damon couldn't avoid the thought that he and Elena had so much in common... They would transition for the exact same reason. How can she not see it? He forgot the question as fastest as he could; it was never going to happen.

He drove away to the boarding house knowing that he didn't belong to their party, never had, never will.

"_People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life._

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."  
_―__Elizabeth Gilbert__, __Eat, Pray, Love_


	3. You're welcome

_Review please, it makes my day _

"_People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict."  
__―__Lemony Snicket__, __The Grim Grotto_

Damon didn't assist to the completion of Elena's transition, in fact it had been two weeks now that he hadn't heard of Elena or of the rest of the gang for that matter. They were looking for some magical antidote to vampirism, as if it was a sickness, thought Damon... They were losing their precious time, Elena had decided to become a vampire and there was no going back now.

The last time he talked to them, they ended up fighting, as usual.

It had been a dark afternoon, at Elena's house.

_*FLASHBACK*_

"_Are you kidding me? You intend on being on a Bambi diet? Really, Elena?"_

_Elena sighed; she knew he would react that way. Why couldn't he respect her choices for once as Stefan always did?_

"_I don't want to feed from humans Damon, it shouldn't be a surprise"._

_Damon chuckled, he couldn't believe it._

"_Didn't you see what happened to Stefan, Elena?"_

_Stefan looked harshly at Damon: "What's your point?"_

_Damon sighed, they really didn't get it, did they?_

"_My point is that now, whether she likes it or not, she is a vampire. Vampires crave blood. They need it."_

_Elena sighed._

"_I can survive with animal blood until Bonnie finds a cure."_

_A cure? Now they needed to be cured? That was rich! Damon looked at Stefan._

"_After everything you've got through, you have nothing to say?"_

"_It's her decision and I respect it."_

_Damon was breathing hard now._

"_No, you just obey her!"_

_Elena was sick of the conversation._

"_Stop it Damon! It's my choice."_

_Damon shot a pleading look at Elena._

"_Elena, in a few days you're going to feel the pull._

_Right now everything is new and you're thinking like a human but you're not, you are a vampire. If you do this, one day you'll lose control and you'll bleed to death some innocent people. If you learn to control it, if you accept it, it could be different._

_Do you want to go on a killing spree? Is that what you want Elena?"_

_Elena looked at him very sure of herself. She didn't need to hear those things right now, she need people who had her back, not people who question every breath she took._

"_It's my decision and if you aren't able to support it, I would appreciate you getting out of my house and of my life until you change your mind". _

_So it had come to this, thought Damon, what a waste. Everybody was always accusing him of being the stubborn one but Elena was exactly like him, even worst. She blackmailed people around her, if you didn't go her way, she just blocked you out._

_He knew Stefan's intentions were pure, as were Elena's friends but they were wrong in this. They were wrong and he wasn't going to agree just to make her happy, life wasn't like that. The people who cared didn't do that. If the price for telling her the truth was being thrown out of her life, then be it. _

"_Fine Elena but when the blood lust blinds you and you kill ten people in one night, DO NOT CALL ME!"_

_Those were the last words he uttered before exiting Elena's house; he could be as stubborn as she was. _

_*END OF FLASHBACK*_

Two days later Stefan had moved in with Elena in order to control her and help her during the transition. Damon was glad that they weren't living at the boarding house. Damon had remained still, knowing than sooner or later he would get a call from Stefan seeking his help.

Stefan had never truly accepted his vampiric nature, he thought blood was only a stupid craving but it was much more than that. It was who they were.

Damon decided to go for a walk and ended up in the only place where he felt a bit loved those days: Mystic Fall's cemetery. Today he ended up in front of Ric's grave.

"I'm sorry man; I wish things would have been different".

Damon sighed.

"I've tried to help Elena, you know? But she doesn't want it. I promise I'm not going anywhere until I am sure she has accepted her new being. I own you that much, don't I?"

The wind loudly sang in the background, as if answering to Damon.

"It's hard, you know? When I first came back here I didn't care about anyone or anything. Then I felt and now, after having feeling some affection, I feel loneliness is stronger than it has ever been."

He smiled sadly.

"Everybody has someone but me, all the people I have are in this place. Shitty, right? And now, with you gone, I don't even have somebody to drink my sorrows away with."

"I'll take care of them until they don't need it or until I can't anymore and this includes Meredith, man. I promise. Hope you're good, wherever you are. You are probably better than me anyway. See ya'teacher".

Damon came back to the boarding house to find a surprise. Curled up on the stairs was Rebekah, her face marked by long nights of crying. She was shaking and Damon's voice startled her.

"What are you doing here Rebekah? I suppose you know you're persona non grata in Mystic Falls".

Rebekah looked up at him with a scared little girl's eyes.

"I didn't know where to go".

Damon sighed.

"Well, I'm not the good option. Move."

Rebekah took hold of his ankle and pleaded him to hear her out. Damon sat on the stairs next to her and waited.

"I know you don't own me anything but I am alone Damon. Totally alone and I can't take it. I can't... Nobody cares, nobody loves me and I can't take it anymore. I thought you would understand".

Damon had never seen Rebekah so broken, he then reflected on her life. It hasn't been an easy one. They were kind of alike in some ways: eternal lovers and eternal unloved, abandoned, alone...

He shouldn't give into her, she didn't deserve a chance but that doesn't mean she didn't need it. He thought about all the times where he had hoped for some tenderness and understanding and how it had hurt to never get it.

He got up and when Rebekah was already leaving, thinking it was useless, he grabbed her wrist.

"Come in, you can stay here for some time while you figure your life out".

Rebekah's eyes connected with Damon's and she saw the connection she had been hoping for, he knew how she felt better than anybody else and, at that moment, she could only feel relief; relief that someone still cared for her, even if it was for all the wrong reasons.

She took his hand and let him guide her into the Boarding house.

"Won't Stefan be mad?"

"Stefan is living with Elena right now, this is my house and I say you're welcome. You can take any room you like. Go make yourself comfortable".

Turning around one more time, Damon added:

"Oh, and Bex: don't fuck up with my trust, ok? I don't know how much more I can take:"

Rebekah nodded silently thanking him.

Damon walked back to his room thinking that damaged people had to look out for each other since nobody else did.

"_Was it you or I who stumbled first? It does not matter. The one of us who finds the strength to get up first, must help the other."  
__―__ Vera Nazarian, __The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration_


	4. New friends

"_It's not about what you say, its about what you do. You don't like the person you've become then do something about it, because no one's gonna do it for you!"_

_One Tree Hill_

Hi, thanks for your wonderful reviews and interest. This chapter may look like filler but it's a set up. I have to build the characters carefully before going into the action. Moreover, I am in exams and it's hard to find the time. Enjoy!

When Damon goes downstairs the following morning, he finds Rebekah sipping at his bourbon.

"Help yourself Bex, go ahead! Why bothering to ask, huh? Everybody knows how much I like to share my dearest possessions".

Rebekah couldn't hide a tiny smile while Damon joined her in her drinking.

"Why did you let me in Damon? I am the reason your precious doppelganger died".

Damon couldn't help the horrible feeling that went through his body each time he heard the words "Elena" and "dying" connected. He sighed.

"Honestly Bex, I am just really tired".

He drank with a longing look in his eyes.

Damon wasn't Rebekah's type of men; she liked them simple and honest.

With Damon she could never guess what the hell he was thinking but she could feel the intensity. How could eighteen years old like Elena choose a man such as Damon? He was consuming, his love wouldn't leave room for anything else. If Stefan can hurt Elena, Rebekah cannot even begin to imagine to which extend Damon could tear her apart.

If you let yourself in love with someone like Damon Salvatore, you have to love him each second of the day. It demands an entire commitment, there is no emergency exit. Stefan calmed Elena, comforted her, give her space to be. Damon pushed her always further.

Elena seemed like such a calm person, aiming for peace but Bex knew better. She had seen the fire in her eyes, the same fire as in Damon's. Choosing Stefan over Damon meant choosing one side of her over the other. Rebekah was a very good observer and if she had to guess, she would say Elena felt guilty and scared. When she was ready to be brave, passionate and crazy her whole life came crashing down; the same life she didn't want anymore and was so desperate to lose then.

Being with Damon meant explore the part of herself she's been burying since her parent's death. But why bother talking about it to Damon? It wouldn't help him, wouldn't make his pain better and wouldn't make her choice any different.

Rebekah knew how things worked: you love someone but life happens and the person takes a different way. In the beginning you want to understand, it obsesses you, understanding why is the only thing in your mind all day long. It's exhausting. Then you find out only to realize that it doesn't change a thing. You don't give a fuck about the why. Heartbreak is still heartbreak.

So she let Damon being tired of life because he had every right to; she was equally tired.

"Tired of what, Damon?"

Damon turned to look at her.

"Of living, of judging, of feeling... It is war Rebekah, if I had to kill you; I would so how the hell can I judge you for what you did?"

He sighed once again before going on and looking at Rebekah in a way that frightened her. Yes, after everything she had lived, Damon's eyes could have that effect on her because she knew he wasn't bluffing.

"If Elena had died, I would have pursued you until the end of the earth to kill you slowly."

A shiver ran down Rebekah's spine hearing those words.

"But she didn't.

We can't apply traditional morals here, Bex. We are all bad, everything is messed up. I don't fight for some high value but because of what I feel towards Elena. It's not rational, it's not fair for anyone and I am done trying to judge people.

I do what it takes and I know you do the same. We will probably end up killing each other but, right now, it doesn't matter.

Right now we are here sitting together because this is war and, in the end of the day, we both lose something and someone. We cannot win Bex. People like you and I never win."

Rebekah looked at him in deep reflexion. He was right, nothing really made sense anymore and they had just their guts to follow. They were the losers of the story, it didn't matter which side won, and they would lose anyway. It was their destiny, since long accepted. The problem was that sometimes they still got their hopes up that it could be different for once... until someone crashes them until the next time.

One day, Bex thought, they will just go into the sun and die. People like her and Damon were explosive, they died exhausted of having lived too much, and having loved too intensely and having given way more than what they had.

Damon's voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Don't sit here all day long, go out there and try to get better Bex".

When Damon was in front of his door, he heard Rebekah's voice.

"I almost killed the guy I wanted Damon".

He looked at her and, during a brief second, Rebekah believed she saw compassion in his eyes. He had fucked up many times, she knew. His heart was as broken as hers, maybe that's why his words were the only one she could believe.

"I know, I told you it's fucked up but it is what it is. We are who and what we are Bex."

And with those final words, Damon was out of the boarding house.

Damon entered the Grill thinking about Alaric, he would have to drink alone again. It seemed that alone was the word printed in each page of his destiny and, frankly, he was quiet tired of reading that book. So when Meredith waved at him from a corner, he went to command his drink and took a seat next to her.

"Hey Damon"

"Meredith", he nodded.

"How's Elena doing?"

He sighed; he seemed to not have a life apart from Elena. She had consumed him, just like Katherine. All of this was his fault, if he loved people with less intensity; in a more normal way... he would be able to preserve himself. But even though he had changed many things in his long undead life, this was the chore of his being and he had to stick to it and suck it up.

"You gave her blood".

"I gave her your blood".

That was new information for Damon, his blood? Holy shit, his blood was the responsible for having turned the girl he loved, the one who never wanted to turn. Definitely, he was cursed. He was a modern Oedipus, the guy who always found his horrible destiny trying to escape from it.

It was weird to know that his blood was running through Elena's veins... He was a part of her now, in some way. He was his maker and, now, she kind of was his responsibility. The darkest and funniest Damon laughed at him in his head: Elena had become his responsibility and he didn't even have the pleasure to drink from her. Wonderful Salvatore, you really are the biggest looser of Vampirism's history.

"Don't look at me like that Damon, we both know you prefer her as a vampire than as a dead body buried in a cemetery".

Damon liked Meredith's honesty, it was refreshing. It reminded him of her.

"I am not even sure anymore Meredith".

She looked up at him expectantly.

"If I could go back, I don't think I'd turn".

"But then you'd have never met her Damon. It doesn't matter how many times she breaks your heart, you are still happy to have met her".

Meredith sighed.

He had thought about that many times. When he still had hope, Damon liked to think that meeting Elena was his fate. The loss of his mother, his relationship with her father, Katherine, Stefan... everything was there for a reason: leading him to Elena, his soul mate. Damon had always been a fatalist, a romantic fatalist.

But reality had forced upon him; his fate was just a cruel jock. He was one of those secondary characters that are in plays to underline the protagonist's qualities and entertaining the spectator until he died a painful death. Damon Salvatore had always wanted to be Romeo, but he was Tybalt the darkest nights and Mercutio the brightest days. Juliet would never be his, the sooner he accepted it, the better.

"I am happy to have meet Alaric, even if now it hurts as hell".

Damon looked at her feeling sorry; he knew how much it hurt to lose people you cared about. It had happened to him many times. At least Alaric had loved Meredith in some way.

"I am sorry".

"I know".

"I wish I could have killed him when I was supposed to".

"You tried Damon; you wanted to do the right thing."

Meredith's hand on Damon's shoulder was comforting and confusing. It had been a long time since someone congratulated him. Nobody looked after the antihero; he did what he had to do and went back to the shadows while the hero and his girlfriend celebrated. The anti hero was ready to do the shittiest job; he was there to protect the hero of the dirtiest tasks so the princess could still love him lying in his bed at night.

"I miss him".

Damon really did. He knew he and Alaric had not exchanged many love words between them but it wasn't necessary. Through various murders and a great hate, they had learned to know each other and appreciate him. At the end of the day, when everybody was back with those who loved them, they would sit together happy to have survived one more day. Alaric Saltzman was a good man, the kind of man Damon respected which means a lot because there are really a few people Damon respects.

"He really cared about you, he was worried Damon".

"Worried about me?"

Meredith sighed.

"He didn't know how much more suffering you could take. He told me you were much more sensitive than you show."

Damon drank.

"I'll be fine".

Meredith turned towards him.

"It's okay, you know? To not be fine it's okay. Being strong doesn't mean you have to go through everything alone and without breaking. You've just lost your only friend. The woman you love has chosen your brother over you, again and she is a vampire. It sucks Damon and it is fine for you to admit it".

Damon looked at her confused. He wasn't used to be able to break down for a bit. He was the strong boy, the one who could deal with everything without talking about it.

He had learned the silence at a very young age.

"You're right, it sucks; and to be honest, I don't think it's getting better anytime soon".

Meredith sighed.

"It will Damon, in the meantime it will".

Oh, if only he could believe her.

Maybe it was better not to, Mercutio and Tybalt shouldn't have any hopes, they both die before the end and everybody knows it will happen since the beginning.

Meredith gathered her things.

"I have to do my shift in the hospital".

Damon nodded. She put her hand on his cheek before saying one last thing.

"She didn't become a vampire because of your blood Damon but thanks to it. Don't forget it. And if you need a drinking buddy, you know where to find me. I would use such great company as yours. "

Damon looked at her while she exited the bar. He could use some drinking buddy company too.

Sipping at his drink his thoughts slowly drifted to Elena and he wondered how she was doing...

_"Sometimes, to do what`s right we have to be steady and give up the things we want the most... even our dreams"  
_

_Peter Parker (spiderman2)_


	5. Growing up

_**I really want to thank you for your reviews because they make a lot of sense and are pretty deep. **_

_**Sorry for the lack of updates but I had a tough exam today and had studied it every hour of the day since last Wednesday –I am exhausted. This is a longer chapter so you can see a bit more of what's happening to each character.**_

_**In the next chapter I am going to really begin to explore Elena's vampirism: you know... the blood, the heightened emotions, the memories...**_

_**Enjoy and review! **_

"_It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.", Colette_

Stefan did not know how to deal with this; Elena was not supposed to become a vampire and he was not prepared for it. If he had known, he would have let Matt die in order to save her. It sounds paradoxical, doesnt it? If Elena wasn't a vampire right now, she would be dead and he would have done nothing to stop it.

He knew how Damon felt about that, they hadn't talked about it but he knew. It was his blood that turned her and Stefan felt bad for him but they hadn't talked about anything since that night. Right now it was all about Elena, she needed them, all of them. However, Stefan didn't forget all the conversations that were waiting their turn to come.

Elena's decision to choose him, his decision to let her die, Damon not being able to leave Mystic Falls, his blood being the responsible of Elena's change... They didn't have those conversations but there were there, hanging in the air between them. It was hard to breath, suffocating even.

In all his years as a vampire, Stefan had not been able to truly accept his vampirism; how was he supposed to help Elena dealing with hers? Moreover, he had never noted how stubborn she was until now.

He didn't have the answers; he didn't know how to deal with this Elena so he was currently sitting on his bed having the same conversation for the hundredth time that night.

"Elena, you can't keep going with animal's blood diet".

Elena looked at him with her big doe eyes. Being a vampire was like being pregnant: she was all emotions, all hormones moving up and down and she couldn't get a grasp on herself.

"I am not going to kill innocent people Stefan".

He sighed, why couldn't she understand it?

"You don't need to kill them but just to feed from them".

Elena looked at him like a five years old who was being punished without knowing why.

"Why are you doing this to me Stefan? I thought you would support me".

Stefan walked towards her and took her in his arms.

"I do support you Elena but the pull for blood is stronger each day, one day you'll snap baby. It takes decades to have control enough to feed on animals and even then... look at what happened to me."

Elena looked into his beautiful emerald eyes intently and he thought she was going to make a hole in them. Has she always been this passionate? She reminded him of someone with deep blue eyes...

"What are you trying to say Stefan?"

He took her face delicately in his hands before whispering:

"As much as I hate to admit it Elena, Damon is right about vampires. This is what we are. We may look like humans but we are not and vampires drink blood Elena. They are predators, it's their nature".

"So?"

Elena's stare was breaking him; she still looked so innocent...

"If you go against nature, she will devour you Elena. You can control her but you can't deny her; if you do, it will just come back stronger when you less expect it".

Elena sighed.

"You should take blood bags baby, don't feed on humans directly if you don't want to but at least take blood bags".

Elena sighed shaking her head from side to side.

"The answer is no", and with those words she turned around and went to the porch. He didn't understand, no one did. If she did what he demanded from her, she would really be a vampire. Old human Elena would be gone for good and, into what would she turn? Into Katherine? She had spent the last three years of her life trying to avoid that and she wasn't going to give up just because Stefan couldn't understand her.

She hadn't planned on becoming a vampire, she hadn't wanted it. She had not chosen it out of love, she was forced to and this, holding tight onto the moral beliefs she had always had, was the only thing sustaining her identity. But she couldn't deny the truth either, as much as she stayed silent on the matter, the need for blood was stronger each day.

She was beginning to feel things she didn't know possible. She felt braver, stronger, more independent, more stubborn and, above all, more passionate. And she had to confess that a tiny part of her was happy about it, the vampire she was slowly turning into was the woman she longed to be before her parent's death. Elena couldn't admit yet but the truth was that Damon was right, she was more like Katherine that she wanted to show.

At the third ring, his brother finally picked up his phone.

"Is Elena fine?"

Stefan sighed, it had come to this. Elena was the only thing keeping them together right now, as strange as it may sound...

"Yes, she is doing just fine".

Damon let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Then why are you calling me?"

"She insists in feeding from animal blood".

Damon snorted, she reminded him of someone with green eyes.

"So? You did the same"

Stefan groaned, this was getting them nowhere.

"Yes and you know where it led me. You were the one that had to bring me back from it if I remember correctly"

Damon sighed; the last years had been too stressful to deal with them right now.

"Yes and I already made that point but Elena wouldn't listen and you backed her up, remember? Because who cares Stefan? It doesn't matter is she wants to buy a blue dress or die, you just say _"yes baby"_ and that's what you've done with the diet thing too".

Stefan closed his eyes, he had been waiting for it and he knew it would come but it wasn't the right moment for that. The sarcasm dripping from his brother's voice was too much. He couldn't understand what he did but that's maybe because he didn't told him why he did it.

He had once forced someone he loved to become something he didn't want to become and it hadn't turned out that well. He had taken the choice away from Damon; he didn't want to do the same with Elena. He didn't want to be that spoiled child again, he didn't want to inflict upon Elena the pain he had inflicted upon Damon, an eternal pain.

Then hope arisen in him when he thought about that, maybe one day they could be brothers again. If one day they could explain themselves and admit that almost everything they've done, as bad as it turned out to be, was out of love for each other, they could be fine.

"Damon"

Damon sighed, he was trying really hard not to snap. He knew it wasn't the moment and he also knew that Stefan and he were too different. There would be things they would never understand about each other. It was the way it was.

"I'm sorry but what do you want me to do about it Stefan? If she doesn't listen to you, she won't listen to me".

Stefan sighed, he was absolutely exhausted.

"I am lost Damon, I need help, and she needs help".

"She chose you Stefan"

"I know that but it's not the moment to punish her!"

Damon snorted at that; did his brother really know him that bad? He had always suspected Stefan couldn't begin to imagine the depth of his feelings for Elena. He thought it was obsession for him and lust for her but it didn't matter how many times she chose his brother over him, it was much more than that and they both knew it. For Stefan, however, it was better this way, thinking that what was between his girlfriend and his brother wasn't really serious.

Had he ever considered the possibility she could chose him? He didn't think so, if he had, he wouldn't have made the deal about leaving town.

"It's not about punishing her Stefan but I can't come to the rescue each time something goes wrong."

"You did it before"

Damon sighed, that was the problem.

"I did it because you were not there. Now you are here and she chose you, you have to deal with that."

Damon took a deep breath before going on; he was trying to be rational about all of this. He was trying hard to not run to Elena's house and put some sense into her but he couldn't, he shouldn't.

"Stefan, I can't keep on acting as some kind of secondary boyfriend; it doesn't work that way. I haven't left the town because she needs everybody she can get right now but you two are a couple and you need to deal with those issues.

It wasn't going to be lollypops and sunshines forever Stef, it couldn't be. Look, if she needs me, she'll call and I'll come but it cannot be something automatic. It's not good for you two and it isn't good for me either".

Stefan sighed; did all of this hurt him that much? Was Elena so important to him?

"I get your point Damon and you may be right but, please, talk to her. I'm not asking for you to come and solve it all but to talk to her like a friend would do".

A friend wouldn't leave him to die alone and heartbroken on a road... whoa, he thought, where was that coming from? There definitely were a lot of things to talk about when this entire Elena vampire thing is settled.

"Fine Stefan, I'll have a word with her but she won't listen. She's more stubborn than you imagine".

"What is going to happen then?"

Damon closed his eyes; he had never wanted to be so wrong in his whole life. Not even when he heard Katherine telling him it had always been Stefan, not even when he believed –knew- Elena would choose his brother. Sadly, he doubted he could be wrong about this.

"She will attack someone, let just hope that one of us is there to stop her in time".

They both sighed, sharing the same thought: in what had they turned the woman they loved? Stefan by not saving her, Damon through his blood...

"Let hope so. Damon..."

"Huh?"

"Thank you"

Damon didn't really know why he was being thanked but it didn't really matter. It didn't happen to him that much so he could accept it for once.

"You're welcome".

"Did you call me?"

Mystic Falls' hottest doctor was greeting Damon while he entered the Grill.

"I can use a drinking buddy right now".

He took a seat next to her and they shared a knowing smile, the smile belonging to those who know how much it sucks to be the outsider in the movie.

"What happened?"

Damon looked at his watch before doing that thing with the eyes she found ridiculously funny.

"I have to go to talk to Elena in two hours"

Meredith looked at Damon with understanding in her eyes.

"Why?"

"Stefan's petition. She's being... irrational about the whole vampire thing"

Meredith smiled, "Well, she wasn't really rational about the whole human thing either so"...

Damon laughed at that. A laugh, he thought, he hadn't laughed in a long time.

"It must be torture for you, does he realize that?"

"This is about Elena, in this situation my feelings don't really matter".

"They will never matter if you don't make them matter Damon".

She pronounced those words looking at him fiercely in the eyes. She didn't know why but she felt the deep need to make this man feel worthy. Maybe it was because of Rick... if Damon could see himself like Rick saw him, it would make such a big difference.

She was a doctor, her job was to take care of the wounded and Damon was pretty fucked up.

"Does he realize how much it hurts?"

Damon held her gaze before dropping it to the glass his slender fingers were playing with.

"Nobody has ever rejected him Meredith, how would he know?"

Damon's look broke her; the man next to her was so fragile... so close to the edge and so was she.

"Maybe you should tell him"

Damon smiled: "It wouldn't change a thing. Now I just want this entire vampire thing to be over so I can keep my distance for awhile".

"It will get better Damon, with time it will"

She knew what she was saying was pure bullshit but it was the bullshit she told herself every morning and every night since Rick left. Bullshit was the only way to cope and hold on sometimes, a basic rule of psychology: undermine reality until you can truly confront it.

"Then let's drink to that Meredith, let's drink to the time that will make it better"

Then in a theatrically gesture he raised his glass

"And to those who will be there when it does"

They both smiled at the implication in her words and drank slowly and peacefully.

They weren't many words exchanged after that but there wasn't any need for them to be. Their time together was just an interlude of calm into the middle of the tempest.

Damon had asked Elena to meet him in the forest for two reasons: it was a neutral place between them and it was deserted which meant Elena wouldn't have temptations.

She was as beautiful as he remembered, she still took his breath away and he hated it. He would never have the same effect on her and it was a shame.

"Damon"

"Elena"

The way her name rolled of his tongue had always affected her but, being a vampire, it was even worst.

"Did you want to see me?"

He sighed and approached her like the predator he was.

"What is this really about?"

What did he mean?

"Come on Elena, don't give me this bullshit! I know you have high morals and all but you've been around vampires for long enough. You date a ripper."

The thought made her shudder.

"What's your point?"

"You know you can't go on with an animal blood diet in the beginning. You saw Caroline and you've seen Stefan, you know Elena so I would appreciate you telling me what this is really about".

Elena sighed, how could he know?

"I didn't want to become this Damon"

Those word cut through his dead heart like crystal. This was his fault, this was their fault... They should have accepted Klaus's deal long ago and leave her so she could have a nice garden with a white picket fence, a Matt-boring husband and blond kifs running around. She was a promo queen, not a vampire.

"If I let go of this, if I let go of what I believe, I will be gone for good".

Damon sighed; he wanted to touch her cheek but resisted the urge.

"Elena, being a vampire changes what you are but not who you are".

"It changed you Damon"

He looked at her with immense sadness in his eyes.

"I changed because a man can only get his heart broken a number of times before it actually breaks. It was life Elena, not vampirism."

She looked at him with questions dancing in her captivating eyes.

"Katherine changed me Elena, Stefan did, my father not loving me did, my mother dying did... Being a vampire just makes you live long enough to be broken more times but you have friends and a boyfriend and I was alone. You're Elena Gilbert and nobody-nothing- is going to change that".

"I don't want to be like Katherine"; she said while directing her gaze towards the floor.

Damon sighed.

"How many times are we going to have this conversation Elena? You are not Katherine"

"But I resemble and it's not just physical... Being a vampire..."

So this is what everything was really about.

"Elena, being passionate and sensual isn't bad per se. It doesn't make you an egotistical bitch that enjoys inflicting pain on others. Your biggest point in common with Katherine is your love for Stefan and that isn't bad."

There, that was hard to say.

Elena looked at him, was he never going to hate her? She broke her heart again, she let him to die alone and he still was trying to console her.

"Why aren't you mad at me?"

He sighed.

"I can't be mad at you for not reciprocating my feelings Elena, it doesn't work that way"

"You can be mad for other things..." she muttered like an angry child.

He could and he was but that wasn't the point.

"Will you think about the blood diet?"

"I can't Damon"

He sighed.

"If you don't do it Elena, you're going to end up resembling Katherine even more. You will enjoy the killing and it won't mean you're bad but it's your nature. You're trying to fight it but you will break down because everybody does".

"Couldn't you respect my decisions for once?"

"Could you not be so egoistical for once?"

She looked up at him, surprised. Egoistical, her? She had always thought everything she did was for others...

Damon sighed.

"Do what you want Elena but don't expect me to applause when you do something stupid".

She snapped at him.

"This is exactly the reason why I could never choose you Damon"

The look in his eyes made her regret her words instantly.

That had been a low blow and they both knew it.

"Damon, I..."

"No, it's ok. You're right, I am not going to change for you and you're not going to change for me Elena so what's the point? But just so you know, I am trying to protect you here. If you go on like this, it will be worst".

Then as soon as he had come, Damon was gone leaving a dumfounded Elena behind him.

When he arrived at the Boarding House, Rebekah was sipping at his bourbon in the parloir. It was becoming a habit of hers.

"Bex"

"How are you Damon?"

"Oh, just peachy. I just spent two hours trying to convince the girl you killed to behave like a vampire".

Ouch, thought Rebekah, she had it coming.

"She'll learn, and if she doesn't want to, nature will force her"

Damon snorted.

"That's what worries me; changing the subject, have you been here all day?"

Rebekah sighed glaring at her drink.

"Kind of"

Damon sighed, "And what are you waiting for Becca?"

"I can't Damon; I have nothing to do and no one to turn to".

Damon walked to her, took her glass in his hands and drank all the bourbon as if it were a tequila shot.

"We are losers Rebekah, we always get the worst part in the movie, we save the heroes and instead of getting the girl or the boy we just get our hearts stomped over".

Rebekah looked at him quizzically, was this supposed to help her?

"But there is one thing we are not and that is cowards. People like us put themselves on the line Rebekah; we play the game with everything we've got even if we know the outcome from the beginning.

It is what we do, it is what we are: fighters. So stop complaining and move your little sexy murderer ass out there to tell the world that, doesn't matter how many times he knocks you down, you'll come back until you cant move anymore".

Rebekah looked at him dumbfounded, she felt as a teenage football player in an inspirational film listening to the coach before a finale.

"Got it?"

Original and all, she was too scared to deny him.

"Yes".

"Good"

And with that Damon got into his room clinging to Meredith's words: time would make it better.

He had lived over a century and a half, he knew it was bullshit but it would have to do for now.

Sighing, he took his most beloved book, Gone with the wind, and asked himself how did Rhett Butler manage the end.

A knock distracted Elena.

"Meredith, what are you doing here?"

"Can I talk to you for a moment? It won't be long".

Elena sighed before closing the door behind her and walking into the porch.

"What do you want? I wasn't expecting you. How are you coping with Alaric's death?"

The words were difficult to pronounce and even more difficult to hear.

"Dealing, it depends on the days."

"Did you come for something in particular?"

Meredith looked at Elena with surprising honesty and directness.

"Drop the animal blood diet Elena"

"Excuse me?"

"Look, I know I am nobody to tell you what to do but you have to understand you're not alone anymore.

Stefan and Damon feel like shit and it isn't fair Elena. Stefan feels like hell because he respected your decision and Damon wants to kill himself every time he remembers it was his blood that turned you into this".

Elena sighed.

"None of this is their fault":

"No, it isn't but they feel like it is"

"And I am sorry for them Meredith but my life isn't very fair neither".

Meredith sighed.

"You're right Elena, it isn't fair but you have friends who adore you and two wonderful men ready to die for you.

Their family is gone, their relationship is still so weak and they both have thousands of things to feel guilty for. Don't be one of them Elena."

Elena sighed.

"This isn't about them, it's about me Meredith"

Meredith smiled knowingly and sadly at her.

"But this is what growing up is about Elena, one day you wake up and it's no longer you and yourself, there are others around you have to look for.

They've been vampires for over a century, they know what's better for you. You know they're right. You owe them that much Elena."

Elena sighed.

"Stefan could survive but Damon... he already feels guilty for so many things, he doesn't deserve to feel guilty about you and you know it"...

"I don't know what to do Meredith"

"I know, I'm not sure I would do better in your situation but if they both agree then it must be that they're right because, let's face it, they don't agree on many things".

Except for the women they love, Meredith added mentally.

Elena smiled slightly at her.

"I know it's unfair but you have to think about them and about Jeremy. Stop trying to be a good human and begin to try being a better vampire.

It's gone Elena, you chose that night. This is what choices are about: it's not as much about what you choose than about what you let go by choosing."

The implications in Meredith's words were pretty clear to Elena: she hadn't chosen to become a vampire but she had chosen to die... she had chosen to be with Stefan and to let Damon go and now she had to deal with all of that.

She sighed. Her choices had led her to that point and she needed to accept it.

Meredith smiled kindly at her: "if you need anyone who isn't in love with you or hasn't known you since you were five, know that I'm here".

Elena laughed at that, she could use a new friend.

"Think about it Elena, your choices don't affect only you any longer".

Then Elena was left alone in the night, wondering where the hell she could go from there.

"_I don't want to be little again. But at the same time I do. I want to be me like I was then, and me as I am now, and me like I'll be in the future. I want to be me and nothing but me. I want to be crazy as the moon, wild as the wind and still as the earth. I want to be every single thing it's possible to be. I'm growing and I don't know how to grow. I'm living but I haven't started living yet. Sometimes I simply disappear from myself. Sometimes it's like I'm not here in the world at all and I simply don't exist. Sometimes I can hardly think. My head just drifts, and the visions that come seem so vivid.", David Almond, __Jackdaw Summer _


	6. Let it go

_Hi guys! Thanks for the attention and Hope you enjoy _

_Next chapter is going to be about Elena working on her vampirism with Damon and remembering she met Damon first._

_Review if you want it,_

_Cheers!_

"_For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."  
__F. Scott Fitzgerald_

_With Elena_

For the first days Elena tried hard to suppress what was growing in her then it became impossible so she decided to hide it. It was primordial that the people surrounding her didn't change their vision of her; that way she could believe she was going to stay the same person.

Her being, however, knew better: she was already a different person. That morning Stefan had woke her up with a sweet, tender kiss after their first night together in so long.

It had been incredibly sweet; she felt Stefan's need to reassure himself that she was alive and truly his in every touch. He kissed her always delicately, handled her with special carefulness.

She had always loved it that way: the way his hands cradled her body with more adoration than desire, the pure expression of a young love. She had always appreciated his efforts to hide his vampire face in bed, he was always so controlled, and he never made her uncomfortable.

She had always loved how safe she felt in his arms but yesterday's night she had felt incredibly confused. Her vampire's face was dying to show off; she wanted to bit him, to threw him against the wall and kiss him senseless.

She wanted him to challenge her, to make her growl, to consume her with desire. She didn't want to be reassured, she wanted to let out the predator and let the raw passion overcome the sweet tenderness.

But she had done nothing. She had smiled and loved him, giving him exactly what she always had. That night had been about convincing each other that she was still the same and that they were still the same. After him leaving, his ripper phase, her becoming a vampire and Damon getting under her skin... They needed to know they were still the same.

They loved each other, there were no doubts about that but could things ever being the same? She was a vampire now and her insides kept screaming at her that things were going to change whether she liked it or not. She didn't have a say in the matter, it was nature's work. Her human life was now like childhood, back in the past and impossible to go back to; the pull for blood was there to remind her that.

She remembered the first time she had truly felt it; It hadn't been immediate; she had had little cravings the first days but nothing serious... That was until Caroline took her to the grill.

There, surrounded by friends, was a hot guy. Dark her, green eyes, bright smile and fit body. His laugh echoed in the room and everything Elena could think about was his neck. She focused involuntarily on it: the way it perfectly connected his beautiful face to his perfect body, the way the vein was pulsing through it... it was screaming life, it was screaming blood. She thought she would come right there; blood had become something so sensual... She wanted to bit him, she wanted to dry him off and suck until his body laid completely lifeless on the floor.

Then her rational side kicked in, what was she thinking? Caroline noticed it but ignored it since Elena controlled herself.

How the heck did she control herself? Damon's words haunted her: _"one day the pull for blood will be so strong, you won't be able to resist"_.

All those times she had judged him... made him feel worthless... Was this what he felt? This overwhelming, exquisite and sensual need? She had treated Damon's cravings as mere caprices but her new found nature was telling her otherwise. God, how she needed to sink her teeth in that boy's neck.

Fortunately for her, Caroline dragged her back to her home making casual conversation, as if nothing had happened.

_With Elena and Matt_

The knock on her door distracted Elena from her thoughts. Why the heck everybody came to see her lately? Behind the door was a smiling dashing Matt.

"Hey Elena, how are you?"

The smartest question ever. How was she? Where could she begin to answer that?

"Fine Matt, like always".

Like always my ass, her subconscious told her. She chose to ignore it.

"Does it feel really different?"

Of course it did you idiot! She was a vampire now! She wanted to suck blood nonstop for 24hours and fuck her boyfriend against a wall.

"Not really, I'm plain old Elena but technically dead and feeding from animal blood".

Matt smiled at her and started to make conversation. He told her how grateful he was for her having saved him and how happy he was she was still there and...

What the heck was he talking about? She heard a low voice in the background but it was fading oh so fast. Another sound was overcoming everything else: Elena's eyes focused on Matt's neck and the bumping of his vein was soon the only thing she could hear.

Oh, innocent, sweet little Matty. He must taste so good.

Elena's eyes darkened and control abandoned her, it was as if some alien creature now living in her had taken the command. Her fangs went off for the first time and slowly... very slowly... she made her way to Matt like a cat comes to her prey.

She smiled sweetly at him and the last thing she heard before sinking her teeth into his neck was his plead to stop.

Elena couldn't believe the sensation that took over her: this was better than sex, better than summer holydays, better than chocolate ice-cream and way better than fucking animal blood bags.

She could feel how the exquisite nectar that was Matt's blood went down her throat and to her belly making her full for the first time since her transformation. She felt so powerful, so sexy and so strong.

She couldn't stop, she didn't want to.

She would never be able to go back. Things had changed forever. She had tried the ambrosia and she wasn't having anything else.

Then a blond vampire came running through the door Elena had left open and tear her off him forcefully.

The last thing she saw was Matt's body laying on the floor and Caroline shaking him and giving him her wrist to drink.

Then everything became blurred and soon enough she was drifting off to sleep on the cold floor of her living-room.

_With Damon and Elena_

When his phone rang, he knew what it was. He had it coming, he had been awaiting it.

Three little words that changed everything. Three little words he was so scared to hear. Three little unavoidable words.

"Elena has snapped".

It wasn't her fault. It was normal for her to cling strongly on who she was as a human. It was normal for her to refuse to become somebody else.

He knew he was right all along; he had lived almost two centuries. When she fighted with him he had always to repress the desire to answer: _"been there, done that"._

He had been like her at her age: willing to discover the world on his own, sure of his answers and beliefs, sure of his love...

He recognized the passion in her: it didn't matter how much he talked to her, she would have to learn on her own.

She'll learn the hardest of the truths: no matter how hard life hits you, you stand again and go on walking because vampires and human beings have one thing in common: they are survivors by nature.

Maybe Stefan was right, she had to fall in order to learn and this time he wasn't going to save her from it. He would do what good friends do: lend her a hand once she's fallen so she can stand back.

What he saw when arrived at Elena's house broke his heart. There was Elena Gilbert crying and whimpering in his brother's arms.

Stefan whispered something into Elena's ear before handing her carefully to Caroline. She looked like a broken doll.

Stefan walked to him.

"She attacked Matt. Caroline walked in just in time Damon, it was so close", Stefan whispered.

She had been lucky after all. Damon nodded.

"She has been crying nonstop, she is devastated".

Damon spotted Bonnie in the dark of the room judging Elena with her eyes and telling her how she would find some spell soon to make her human again. Damon sighed, he was exhausted of being considered a disease. The longest Elena takes to accept her nature, the longest she will need to control it. Why nobody understood that?

"Do you trust me to want only Elena's benefit Stef?"

Stefan looked at Damon surprised then nodded. They both wanted Elena's well being, they had very different methods to get it but they all aimed at that.

Damon walked straight to Elena and extended his hand towards her. Everybody stood frozen while Elena calmed herself down and took his hand. There was that familiar pull again... stronger than ever.

Damon took her to her room and sited on her bad patting the spot next to him for her to come.

Elena breathed slowly while her eyes focused on his intense cobalt blue eyes.

"Did you enjoy it?"

Elena looked at him horrified, how could he ask her that?

"How dare you!", then she slapped him and, to her surprise, Damon slapped her back very lightly.

"Don't do ever to that again Elena. Don't play that game with me. Did you enjoy it?"

Elena inhaled slowly. No one had asked her that question yet.

"Yes"

"How much?"

Elena's lips trembled.

"A lot. It was the most intense experience of my life".

Damon fixed Elena,

"It's normal, it's not a feeling you should feel guilty about"

Elena snorted at him.

"Are you kidding me Damon? It's not normal to bleed somebody to death and it certainly isn't something I want to feel good about!"

Damon stood and took her hand in his.

"Elena, you are a vampire.

It sucks –he smirked a bit at his little joke- but it's what you are now. We need you to accept that. Vampires enjoy drinking blood and they loved to do it from the source. There is nothing more sensual and exhilarating than that".

"Almost nothing", he wanted to add looking at her brown doe eyes.

Elena inhaled deeply and Damon sighed.

"Elena, humans are predators like vampire are.

Bunnies have families and feelings too you know?"

Elena looked at him as if he was crazy, was he trying to joke about this?

"Elena, you can't change your nature. Drinking blood is pleasurable; it's like a vampire's orgasm. The sooner you accept who you are now, the sooner you can control yourself".

"I am the same person Damon".

Damon walked to her slowly and whispered into her ear almost huskily... that pull again.

"You are the same but you aren't a person anymore Elena".

This could be good, you know? If you stop running from this, it could be lead you to things you have never imagined. It's not only a curse Elena, it could be a benediction.

It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it. You're faster, you're stronger, you can defend yoursel now, you can underline the strongest features of your personality. You can discover your essence.

Give it a chance, it could be good if you want it to be."

Elena looked at him with her breathing ragged.

"Will you be there?"

"You've got Stefan and Caroline"

"Will you be there?"

Damon took a step back and decided what to say. She was such a mess.

"I am your friend Elena, I already am there".

She sighed watching Damon walk out of her room, knowing that things had changed for good.

He didn't look at her the way he did. His look was still warm and understanding but it was a friendly one, it didn't belong to a potential lover anymore. She wondered if they would be able to go back to how they once were. Would they be able to go back to laughing and having fun together? He had always made her feel so alive... She knew that if she hadn't become a vampire, he would be gone by now and a small part of her was relieved that it wasn't the case.

She understood her relationship with Damon couldn't stay the same, she had made a choice and it had to show. She knew it was best for everyone. She had never ended her relationship with Stefan so she never could begin a new one with him.

She needed him badly as a friend; he was the only one who could understand. She was glad he loved her and respected her enough to be still there.

_With Damon and Stefan_

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Damon looked at Stefan expectantly, what the hell was he saying now?

"Talk about what?"

"About why you hate being in the same room as me".

Damon sighed loudly.

"Is this about the choice?"

Damon snorted at Stefan.

"I'm very used to you being chosen over me Stefan, I can take it, thank you very much."

"So what is this all about?"

Damon looked at him as if he was crazy.

"Are you joking? You let her die you moron!"

Stefan sighed.

"I respected her choice".

Damon chuckled.

"You have a very special definition of love Stefan".

"I love her enough to let her go if that's what she wants".

"So you didn't love me enough when you forced me to become a vampire? Shit Steffie, I though you did it because you did love me."

Stefan went livid and tried to defend himself.

"You did it for Katherine, hoping to see her again".

Damon couldn't believe his ears, was his brother stupid?

"You are right Stefan, I did it out of love, love for you".

Stefan looked at Damon's eyes only to find raw emotion.

"I was selfish back then and love isn't selfish Damon. You would have been selfish with Elena, I'm not".

Then for the hundredth time that day Damon laughed; a deadly incredulous laugh. Love was selfless, oh the irony of it!

"Care to develop little bro?"

Stefan sighed.

"Elena feels guilty Damon, guilty for all the people that died because of her. If Matt had died, she wouldn't have made it. She would have never been the same".

Damon shacked his head.

"Don't you understand Stefan? The only one who is being selfish here is Elena".

"Elena?"

"Do you think all of those people that died to protect her would like her dead Stefan? Would you have the balls to tell Rick and Jenna that their deaths were totally unnecessary?"

Stefan looked taken aback; he hadn't looked at it from that perspective.

"I killed my only friend Stefan! The least Elena can do for all the people she cares so dearly about is to fight for her life. She owns them that much. It's called respect brother!"

Stefan sighed.

"She is a child Damon, what do you expect?"

Damon walked angrily to Stefan before lowering his voice.

"Exactly Stefan, she is a child. She is an eighteen years old who's only worry not so long ago was to be the cheerleader's captain.

She is a child who, not so long ago, didn't know a thing about vampires, werewolves and witches. She is a child who has only had two real boyfriends and who should be deciding to which college she wants to go.

That's why it is totally normal for her to fuck up and make stupid decisions. It's what you do when you're eighteen Stefan, you learn to live and you mess up."

Damon pointed his finger at his brother who was watching him intently.

"But you, my dear brother, are not a child. Sometimes I think that going to high school makes you believe you really are a teenager.

You've almost lived two centuries Stefan, you've killed your own father. You've been turned into a vampire, transformed into a ripper and had many important people in your life. You have travelled the world.

You are supposed to look after her, you are supposed to not screw up, you are supposed to be the grown up here Stefan!"

"I am not her father Damon!"

"But you're dating an eighteen years old Stefan! What the hell did you expect? We can't treat her like a baby doll but we can't do it as a full responsible adult either".

Stefan sighed.

"Love is about trust Damon and you don't trust her to make her own decisions".

Damon chose his words carefully.

"If you want to tell yourself that it was her decision, fantastic, but we both know it wasn't. It was your decision. You chose not to save her".

Before Stefan got a chance to answer, Damon laughed a bit before going on.

"Do you know the funniest part of it? You let her die and you don't even have to feel guilty for her death while I have to know each second that my blood turned her into everything she never wanted to be. Do you have any idea how it feels Stefan?"

Stefan tried once again to talk, tried to tell him he felt guilty as hell too, tried to tell him it wasn't his fault she was a vampire and that he spend every minute wondering if he had made the right decision but Damon wouldn't have any of it.

"Don't bother, Stef. You and I are very different, always have been. There are things we will never agree about."

Damon sighed.

"Elena needs us to work as a team and it's what I'm going to do but that's it Stef. I don't want any more heart to heart talks, I need to forgive you for Elena's death and it's going to take a while so, for now, we put some distance between us. Got it?"

Stefan looked at Damon with passion in his eyes.

"Got it".

Damon turned around and went back to sit on the sofa.

"Fine, then let's talk about what really matters here. Elena needs to feed from humans for now".

"I know that Damon, it's obvious she needs blood bags".

Damon turned his head towards Stefan.

"No, you don't get it. She needs to feed directly from humans".

Stefan looked at Damon as if he was crazy.

"She needs to learn control Stefan and blood bags aren't going to do that for her".

"She won't have any of it".

Damon snorted.

"Well, you have two options here: you can respect your girlfriend decision and be the perfect love since love is respect and all that bullshit. You can tell her that when she asks you why you let her kill her first boyfriend."

Damon made a dramatic pause before standing up and going to the door.

"Or you can force her to do the right thing and have her mad at you for a few days but sleep with your conscious clean at night. Your choice Saint Stefan and my cue to leave. Call me when you know which it is".

Then he left leaving a very frustrated Stefan behind.

_With Stefan and Elena_

Stefan looked at Elena shyly before whispering:

"We never got the chance to talk about your choice".

Elena looked at him surprised, what did he mean?

"What is there to talk about? I chose you, you know that".

Stefan nodded.

"You didn't really kiss me back. I thought it was going to be him".

Elena snapped at him:

"I broke your brother's heart over the phone and let him to die alone in order to be with you. God Stefan, what else do you need?"

Why the hell did he need to be reassured? Everybody always chose him; he knew she would choose him.

Looking at his sad and shocked eyes Elena realized she had been too harsh. She sighed

"I'm sorry Stefan. I chose you and I mean it but what I did to Damon isn't something I feel very proud about.

I'm sorry we haven't been able to have a moment yet but with this whole becoming a vampire thing it hasn't been easy".

The love in Elena's words made Stefan smile; he approached her and hugged her tightly.

"It's my fault too. I broke us apart Elena".

Elena tightened her grip on him.

"Do you have feelings for him?" he asked in a sweet voice.

"Stefan", Elena began to say, exasperated.

"I know you chose, I'm just wondering if your choice was easy".

She sighed, had it been easy?

To be honest, she had known all along.

She had known since the ball's night. Damon had been everything she needed for months and she broke his heart anyway. When she did, she didn't feel the need to go after him; she felt the need to kiss Stefan, to finally have Stefan back. She had called Damon afterwards, she had thought about him but only after talking to Stefan.

She had never fallen out of love with Stefan, not even for one minute.

Had it been clear? Yes, it had. But easy? She couldn't deny the electricity that made its way into her when she had kissed Damon at the motel. She couldn't deny the tender moments and the so present sexual tension between them. She couldn't deny her jealousy whenever she found a female around him. She couldn't deny the unstoppable and unexplainable attraction that pulled her towards Damon.

She will never tell Stefan that Damon connects with her in a way nobody else can, not even him. She had chosen to ignore it. Had she feelings for Damon? Yes, she did but she didn't know what they were exactly and she had decided not to discover it.

"It was clear Stefan, it's always been clear".

"I love you Elena, I love so much. I've missed you".

"I love you too Stefan, I really do".

_With Meredith,Bex and Damon_

When Meredith entered the boarding house she found the funniest scene ever.

Damon Salvatore totally drunk swaying his hips sensually to music while drinking his beloved bourbon.

Next to him was Rebekah, laughing loudly, falling to the floor while grabbing a bottle of whisky as if it was a baby, her baby and most precious posession in the world.

Meredith wasn't sure those two were a good influence for each other but they sure were funny to watch.

"Damon"

Meredith's voice took Damon out of his trance; he smirked drunkenly at her before stopping the music.

Rebekah kept on laughing.

"Oh well, looks like the party is oooooooooveeer. I'm going to beeed. Not sure I can stand much longer anyway", then just when she was standing back, she fell loudly to the floor provoking her and Damon's laughter.

"Excuse me doc, I have a very druuuuunky to get to bed".

"Your bed?" asked Rebekah.

Damon snorted.

"Me drunk Bex, not "

Then they both laughed again.

"Oh well, a girl has to try, riiight?" she said looking at Meredith who smiled back at her.

Damon scooped Rebekah and climbed the stairs with difficulty before coming back.

"Soorry for that Doc, she can't handle her alcohol".

Meredith laughed.

"Because you do?"

Damon snorted and brought a hand over his chest dramatically.

"Of course Doc! I'm the best at it".

Meredith took her place next to his bar and served herself.

"It's rude to invite someone to a party and start without him Damon".

"Right doc, sorry, couldn't avoid it"

He took a sit next to her, looking exhausted all of a sudden.

"What happened Damon?"

He sighed.

"Elena attacked Matt; she almost bled him to death! She's a fine vampire"

Meredith closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry Damon"

"It was bound to happen, she'll get over it"

Meredith put her hand on his shoulder in a comforting way.

"Are you okay?"

Damon thought about the feeling he got when he saw Stefan with Elena, his conversation with his brother, Elena's attack...

"Yes, I am Meredith. Everybody thinks I am a poor child in need of love but I am an adult.

I am glad she chose. She isn't Katherine, she set me free and I am glad I can take my own way.

I just wish I didn't have to worry so much about her.

I'm trying the friend's place Doc, I swear".

Meredith smiled at him, when had he got so charming? His cobalt eyes were the most incredible sight in the world, even drunk.

Meredith's shacked the thoughts off her head. They were totally inappropriate.

When she turned her head towards him again she saw the tenderest image ever.

Damon Salvatore sleeping peacefully like an innocent baby.

Meredith sighed and laughed while shaking her head.

She stood up and woke him up enough to lead him to the sofa when he layed and she covered him up. She smiled at his sleeping figure before planting a soft kiss on his forehead and exiting the house.

That had been one interesting night.

"_**Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I'm glad for that."  
Ally Condie, **__**Matched **_


	7. Is this love enough?

"_**You couldn't just pick and choose at will when someone depended on you, or loved you. It wasn't like a light switch, easy to turn on or off. If you were in, you were in. Out, you were out." **_

_**Sarah Dessen, Along for the Ride**_

Elena was learning control but it wasn't an easy task; even though things had gotten better by drinking human blood, she still had slipped with some random guys Damon had picked out. He had been extremely careful to keep them alive, he knew Elena was struggling with her humanity and he didn't want any death on her conscience. One time she got too far and there was no coming back for the poor human but Damon didn't let her know that, he took it away while she was still on her high and finish him off to put him out of his misery, the version he told Elena was pretty different though.

He saw the changes in her: her eyes were darker, her acts and words more passionate, her emotions more extreme… He had always known she had it in her but she didn't and he could see how it scared the shit out of her.

Being around her had gotten easier, maybe it was because –unlike Katherine- she really closed the door. The feelings were still there, they were always going to be, and even though he was praying for her to adapt to the vampire life as soon as possible so they could stop their training, he was learning his place and to not feel too bad about it.

Meredith had a lot to do with it; they had been getting closer and closer. It surprised him how easily she was able to look through him and walk past his defences. He could be himself around her, funny, caring, calm Damon and it felt so good to be able to relax around someone without being judged by a person who was fucking his brother. It was a nice change.

His relationship with Stefan hasn't gotten any better; they talked when necessary and kept their distance otherwise. Damon could tell his brother wanted more sometimes but he let him understand he wasn't ready. He needed to be on his own, he needed to figure his own away from Stefan, Elena and all that shit… He had lost himself in the last months and he needed to find his way back. Maybe it was egoistical but he had the right to do so like everybody else did, right?

Damon was worried about Bonnie's behaviour; the witch's hatred for vampires had reached a whole new level. She was obsessed with finding a spell to make Elena human again but there was something more… Damon couldn't tell what it was but she was hiding something. Bonnie could easily become the most dangerous of threats but he wouldn't tell since nobody would believe him; he would keep an eye on her, just in case…

Elena's arrival interrupted Damon's reflexion on the last two weeks. He looked at her expectantly, they had already trained today.

"To what do I own this pleasure?"

Elena looked into her eyes intently, she was piercing him; it almost hurt.

She walked slowly towards him and stopped when their faces and bodies were just inches apart and she started reciting like a child who has learned his lesson in a fake calm voice.

_"Katherine." _

_"Um no, I... I'm Elena." _

The first words spoken, they are both taken back to that fateful night where Elena Gilbert met Damon Salvatore first.

Damon could hear himself struggling with her resemblance with Katherine

_"Oh, you...you just look…"_

They both could feel it, the intense chemistry that existed between them since the first moment; the sexual tension…

_"I'm sorry you just really remind me of someone. I'm Damon."_

_"Not to be rude or anything Damon, but it's kinda creepy that you're out here in the middle of no where." _

_"You're one to talk. You're out here all by yourself." _

_"It is mystic falls, nothing bad ever happens here." _

What a good joke; sweet innocent Elena…

_"I got into a fight with my boyfriend." _

The instantaneous connexion she felt with him, the want to tell him her most intimate secrets convinced he would understand her.

_"'Bout what? May I ask." _

_"Life. Future. He's got it all mapped out." _

_"And you don't want it."_

He knew her, he had always known her. When all of her family believed she was just a sweet delicate flower, he knew better; he could see the fire burning within her.

_"I don't...know what I want." _

Elena sighed hearing those words again; did she ever know what she wanted?

_"Well that's not true, you want what everybody wants."_

_"What? A mysterious stranger who has all the answers?" _

They flirted; she had a boyfriend and she was naïve but they still flirted. She could say it was due to his looks but she didn't flirt with all the hot strangers in town; she wasn't like that but he mad her like that.

_"Hm. Well, let's just say I've been around a long time. Learned a few things."_

_"So Damon, tell me, what is it that I want?"_

And the worst –or the best- was that he knew. She didn't know how but he knew; he had her figured out in less than five minutes.

"_You want a love that consumes you. You want passion, and adventure, and even a little danger." _

Elena wants to think those are just stupid pick up lines but she knows better. He was in love with Katherine, still obsessed over her but he still saw her for whom she was since the very beginning.

He didn't walk away when she told him she wasn't Katherine, he didn't look at her like Stefan did in the beginning; she had always been Elena to him. He had cared for her, he had wished her to find everything she wanted… but what if he was the one to be supposed to give those things to her?

"_So, what do you want?"_

Such a shame she never got the answer to that question.

Once the memory had ended, they were both transported back to a painful and confusing present.

He had a reason to compel her.

She knows what he is going to say, he's going to yell that it didn't matter, that it wouldn't have changed a thing…

And she wants to say he's right but he's not, it changes everything.

Not because she met him first but because of what happened there.

The pull between them had been there before everything… Before her parent's death, before Stefan, before vampires, werewolves and doppelgangers.

She hadn't fallen for the bad brother's charm; she hadn't wanted to be his redemption… The passion, the attraction and the connexion had always been there and he had taken that knowledge from her.

She is the first to break off the silence.

"You didn't have the right to take this away from me".

Damon dropped his gaze.

"I told you I had a reason. You should be grateful I was nice, in that time you could have easily been turned into my lunch".

Elena chuckled without humour.

"Don't do that".

"Don't do what Elena?"

"Don't turn everything into a joke Damon! You can laugh off every emotion but that won't solve a thing!"

Damon sighed exasperated.

"Well Elena, each time I try to do something else somebody walks on them".

"It could have been different…"

Damon laughed nervously, she wasn't going to go down that way; not a chance.

"No, it couldn't".

"Yes, it did!"

"Why the heck are you so mad Elena? I was a jerk back then, it shouldn't surprise you".

Elena shook her head.

"_You weren't to me"_.

As usual, she wanted to add.

"Why are you really mad Elena?"

"Because you took our chance away Damon! It could have been you but you took that away and it wasn't fair to me, to us!"

Damon couldn't believe his ears, was she mad he didn't give her a reason to be with him since the beginning?

"I'm not doing this".

Elena let her fangs out and attacked him. Damon brushed her off easily.

"What the hell Elena? I'm older than you so control yourself!"

"We are talking about this and we are doing it now Damon!"

"Talking about what?"

"About us"

"There is no us Elena".

That calmed her down.

Damon looked at her as if she was crazy.

"Do you want the truth Elena? The truth is that the attraction we felt that night, the connexion, the pull… had been there for the past two years. You had felt them each day and pushed them away every single time. You chose who you are Elena; you chose to be with Stefan so you don't get to throw this in my face!"

She was taken aback by his harsh words.

"I have been there for the last two years. If there isn't an "us" it's not because I made you forget our first meeting but because you don't want it. And let me tell you one thing, I believe in the big eternal love Elena and you need to admit that you're in love with two guys."

Damon took a deep breath.

"And you can't base your decisions on who got here first because that's not a reason! You are with Stefan because you chose too; you had all the important information."

He walked away from her, literally.

"You made a choice Elena and I get that you're incredibly confused by everything that's going on but you need to stop doing this".

"Everything has changed Damon".

"Things can change Elena but your feelings and who you are belong to you".

Elena sat alone and lost in the parlour of the Boarding House, wondering what exactly all of this meant.

_**With Damon and Meredith at the Grill:**_

They had their little habits by now; he would go to the grill and wait for her to finish her shift at the hospital. She would join him and they would drink, she would flirt with him while he would make her laugh endlessly and they would enjoy each other's company until the closing of the bar.

Each time it was more difficult to separate and go back home alone, they couldn't deny the desire to stay together, the desire to go further… Of course they had been moments of ambiguity, lips almost pressed together, whispers in the ears, hands caressing hips for a split of second… but the reality always came crashing down: she had lost Alaric and he was in love with Elena, it would be a stupidity to go down that road… and yet the wanting for it was stronger each night.

She entered in the bar looking tired, the hospital wasn't an easy place to work in but she loved every minute of it: the rush, being always busy, the urgency… She was a woman of action: she didn't talk for hours; she didn't think for days, she didn't have the time for it; she had to take decisions in a daze and that's what she did, trusting her intuition.

She still looked beautiful in his eyes: always so natural and easy going. She was comfortable, she knew how to give him his space and he appreciated her for that, especially tonight.

"I got a call from Elena, what happened Damon? She looked shaken up".

He sighed; not her, not now.

"Don't".

Meredith knew that look he was giving to his bourbon's glass but she had to know.

"Damon, please…"

"Don't!"

Meredith was taken aback, where was this aggressivity coming from?

Damon sighed, the last thing he wanted to do was scaring Meredith.

"I'm sorry; I didn't want to yell but is it so much to ask to keep Elena Gilbert out of some parcel of my life? I need to have something where she isn't, something her presence doesn't define. Yes, some things went down today but tonight is our night, it's about us. Could we have a time of Meredith and Damon without Elena? I'll tell you some other time."

One day, he would tell her about his first meeting with Elena; he would tell him that if she had already remembered that one, she would remember his declaration of love soon enough but he wouldn't tell her tonight.

She let him be because he was right, this was their night. He was trying hard to build something in which Elena could have the place of a friend in order to respect her choice, his brother and himself; she wasn't going to be the one to make it harsher than it was so she took the stool next to his and they went back to their beautiful habits.

_**With Elena and Stefan at Elena's home:**_

"Did you compel a lot of people Stefan?"

Elena's words took him by surprise; she had been so distant today. Lately she seemed to be lost in her thoughts and he didn't blame her for it, she had a lot to think about.

"Sure, every vampire has even if it had been a long time ago for me".

"Why do you compel people when you do?"

"Multiplicity of reasons, normally it is to protect us from humans and to protect humans from us; it's a weapon we have".

"Can you compel another vampire?"

"Yes but you have to be pretty powerful or the other vampire really weak".

Elena nodded in silence then changed the subject.

"What kind of love do you want Stefan?"

She asked looking into his emerald orbs.

"What do you mean?"

He took a place next to her on the bed.

"I mean when you were younger, what love did you imagine?"

Stefan smiled; young age was far away for him.

"I wanted comprehension, passion but sweetness; I wanted it to be eternal and unbreakable. I dreamt about getting a person that would knew what I needed without me telling it. I wanted someone who would fight for me no matter what".

Stefan paused suddenly and sighed heavily.

"I should have taken you out of that car, shouldn't I?"

Elena sighed and covered his hands with hers.

"No, you did what you thought was best for me; you were selfless. What we had is beautiful Stefan, I love you".

Stefan smiled and caressed her hands before standing up from the bed. Something was wrong with the whole car accident and he suddenly knew what it was.

"I love you too Elena and you're right, I did the right thing according to the person I am".

Elena smiled at him.

"The problem was you choosing to stay in the car".

She frowned and looked at him; he had never reproached it to her.

"Don't get me wrong, I respect your decision but when I dreamt about love I did it about one which was worth it all".

"What do you mean?"

"You chose me but I wasn't enough to make you stay; our love wasn't enough. Your regrets and guilt overweight the strength of our love."

Stefan sighed deeply before going on.

"Damon has never forgiven me for making him turn, do you know?"

Elena nodded.

"But I know that in despite of everything; Katherine, father, you… he would do it again for me. I was enough to make him stay; I am enough to make him stay".

Elena felt the tears in her eyes.

"I love you".

"I know, I love you too. What we have is beautiful, I just don't know if it's enough."

Stefan left a wondering Elena. Damon had wished for her to get what she wanted, had she? Her love for Stefan was of the purest kind but was it passionate and consuming? Did the Elena anterior to all of this Mystic Fall's shit still exist? Does she still want the same?

_**With Meredith and Damon at the Grill:**_

The Grill had closed ten minutes ago and they were trying to extend the moment the longest possible so they stood talking and laughing in the car park.

"Stop it! You'll kill me of laughter Damon!"

Meredith's laugh echoed all over the place and Damon loved the sound. Her laughter finally came to an end and a knowing smile took place on her face: it was time to say goodbye,

"I guess it's time to go home".

Damon nodded half heartedly.

"I'll see you on Friday".

When she was turning on her heels, he grabbed her arm to turn her around. Their faces were a few inches apart and Damon could hear Meredith's breathing becoming irregular. Her heart was going to explode at this rate, not bad for a doctor. Normally Damon would have smirked but he didn't feel like it, he was just glad he had this effect on her.

"I'm going to kiss you now. I'm telling you because I'm going to lean in very slowly so you can draw back and run away. I promise we will never talk about it again if you do and we'll stay drink buddies but I want to do this".

Damon's breath was on her face and it was the hottest feeling ever.

"This is a bad idea".

Damon gave her his lopsided smile before nodding.

"I'm always a bad idea".

Of course he was, thought Meredith. The list was endless: he was a vampire with was pretty dangerous; he was in love with some other girl and the last time he had been in love it took him more than a century to get over it; he was a ladies' man and his short-temper made him unpredictable.

But right there, looking at her with those blue diamonds and smiling his sweetest smile he didn't look like any of those things. He looked like a nice boy who was going to eat candy knowing that a pain in his belly would come as a result. This was the Damon she had learned to know in the past weeks: he was caring, charming, incredibly funny and even –surprisingly- humble. She also knew he was loyal for his friendship with Alaric has been the strongest she has seen and he was utterly selfless, his behaviour towards Elena showed her that.

The only thing she couldn't understand about Damon Salvatore is why nobody had ever chosen him so when their lips were almost touching, she whispered with a poignant sincerity in her voice:

"You are but I chose you anyway".

Because she liked him as he was: vampire, in love with another girl, passionate to the point of obsession, invested in his feelings to the point of it being unhealthy, funny, caring, boyish and innocent as well as old and wounded up.

When their lips touched there wasn't any firework's explosion like in the cheesy films of love. There was desire, attraction, understanding and most of all acceptation; it tasted of bourbon and lemon and it was perfect because it was them.

_**At Elena's house:**_

Elena went to her door grumbling about Stefan forgetting his keys again but what she found on her door was something very different from her boyfriend.

"Hi Elena, how are doing now that you've joined the vampire's club?"

"Katherine".

"_**When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are." **_

_**Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life**_

_**Thanks for the wonderful reviews and my apology for the lack of updates, it should get better now that I'm on holydays. **_

_**Did you like it? What do you think about Stefan's thoughts on the accident? And about Damon and Meredith?**_

_**Next chapter will be centred on Katherine and Elena while they explore their similarities and differences which will lead to their thoughts on the Salvatore' boys and Elena's condition as a vampire. **_

_**Review if you want more!**_


	8. Your future is in your past

"_**When you understand," Brandy says, "that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble up and throw your past in the trashcan," Brandy says, "then we'll figure out who you're going to be."**_

_**Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters **_

_With Elena and Katherine:_

"What? No "Hello Katherine, how have you been"? How rude of you Elena!"

Elena's breath got heavier; this was exactly the last thing she needed in her life: a visit from Katherine Pierce herself.

"What do you want?"

Katherine laughed observing the new vampire in front of her; that girl was always so tense! She needed to loosen up. Honestly, she had Stefan and Damon, what else did she want?

"Now that Klaus is gone I don't have to run anymore and I had to visit my new vampire relative."

Elena sighed, she hadn't thought about the drawbacks of Klaus being dead. Katherine approached her slowly, she always was so feline.

"I heard you chose. Poor, poor Damon, he never gets chosen. Such a shame a girl can't have both, right?"

"There was never a choice to make Katherine, it has always been Stefan".

Katherine couldn't stop laughing and Elena had to recognize that even she didn't believe a word she had said. How could she expect the woman who had played the two brothers to believe her?

"Sure, so you are still in denial. Why don't you admit it already Elena? You and I aren't so different".

Elena glared at Katherine with all the hate she could manage and reminded herself it would be no use attacking her ancestor since she was much older than her.

"You and I have nothing to do with each other".

"That must be reassuring to say. Is it part of the mantra you keep telling yourself everyday so you can stay in denial for eternity? "I am nothing like Katherine", "I do not love Damon", and "I don't enjoy being a vampire".

The last words were whispered in Elena's extra sensitive ears and produced a shiver down her spine. Katherine stopped right in front of her.

"Now you get the lust, right? You can feel the desire coursing through your veins and taste the heavenly elixir that is human blood; you can appreciate the strength it give us, the feeling of being unbreakable, the knowledge to be superior. Now you get what Damon has tried to tell you from the beginning: predators, Elena. That is what we are, who we are and what we are supposed to be. Animals, humanity, compassion… Bullshit!"

Elena was now swallowing with difficulty while Katherine enjoyed the little show. It felt so good to see the innocent and precious doppelganger like that. She was always so pure, so perfect… She judged them all the time with ease but now she knew what it truly was like and the truth was she wasn't any better than them. She would tell you that deep in her heart she felt compassion and regret for Elena but it would be a lie; the only thing she felt was an incredible satisfaction to see her drowning in her own morally impossibly high standards.

"How do you feel towards Damon now? You've judged him so harshly so many times…"

Elena wanted to deny it but the words were hardly getting out of her mouth.

"I've judged everybody the same; I've given Damon more opportunities than anybody else has".

"That's just not true Elena. Damon's life has always been the same: he has to earn everything; the love from others, forgiveness, recognition, gratitude, a chance… Nobody ever gives him something right away while Stefan gets things the moment he asks for them."

Katherine could see Elena's face turning angrier; she was still trying to figure out which brother she did truly love. Katherine had her doubts and she knew she couldn't trust Elena's words only. She would never admit to love them both and she would never allow herself to drop Stefan for his older brother; it wasn't only a matter of love, it was a matter of moral.

"Are you going to deny it Elena? Stefan goes on a ripper phase, he almost kills you at Wickery Bridge and all he has to do is to feel guilty for a little while? Damon was there all along but the moment his brother came back you just dumped him in the rubbish bin".

"That's not true!" Elena screamed from the top of her lungs.

Katherine smiled.

"But it is Elena; you were going to let him die alone on a road. He has almost as many reasons to hate you than to hate me."

Elena was getting weaker each second and Katherine was making the best out of it.

"I am the only person who can understand you, if you didn't close yourself so much…"

Katherine sighed before sitting on Elena's couch.

"Do you want to know a secret? It doesn't go away, it never goes away".

Elena snapped up to meet Katherine's eyes.

"What?"

"The love for both of them, it stays. It doesn't matter that you chose, the feelings do not go away so the sooner you accept that, the better for everyone".

"You chose Stefan and told Damon you never loved him".

"So what? You tell Damon everyday you don't how you feel about him and that is as true as me saying I never loved him. I still do Elena, of course I do".

"Then why did you say it?"

Katherine smiled at the question.

"You know that Damon is quiet extreme in his love, it was the only way to let him go and for him to let me go. It was easier like that even if it hurt more".

Elena couldn't picture Katherine doing anything for someone else than herself but she sounded truthful on that one.

"Don't look at me that way Elena, I do have a heart."

"Why Stefan?"

Katherine smirked, that was an interesting question.

"You're the one claiming to love him forever; you should know the answer to that".

"Why did you choose Stefan!" Elena didn't pretend to yell but it came out like that.

"Damon loved who I was. His love was pure and good, it never changed. I felt reassured by him, accepted by him, I could be myself with him".

"That sounds pretty good", mumbled Elena.

"It was but it wasn't enough. Stefan challenged me, he didn't take all my bullshit and he didn't love everything I was or did. He made me a better person. It was easier and safer to be with Damon but love shouldn't be those things. Stefan pushed me to become more myself every single day."

Elena could feel her heart pound stronger with every word.

"We, Petrova girls, have it in us to be passionate Elena. The moment you stop trying so hard to repress who you truly are, all the answers will be there. You should do it before it's too late Elena or you could spend centuries trying to get your man back from a younger you-look-alike":

The conversation and Elena's face was everything Katherine needed; now she knew.

"I've got one last thing to tell you, Elena".

Elena turned around to look at Katherine.

"I'm here to get Stefan back and I won't be making it easy for you".

Elena gasped, she didn't expect that one.

"Why?"

"The original plan was to wait for your death but since now you're supposed to live forever, I can't be that generous. I would kill you but then Stefan wouldn't take me back and Damon would probably go all Terminator on me".

"Stefan will never take you back Katherine".

Katherine smirked, "We'll see".

On her way to the door Katherine turned around once more.

"There is another reason Elena".

Elena's doe eyes fixed Katherine's face as if the biggest secret of humanity was on the verge of being revealed.

"I don't buy it Gilbert".

"What?"

"Your choice, I don't buy it. I'll see you around".

Katherine smiled on her way to the street thinking that, although Elena didn't know it yet but –deep down- she was doing her a favour too.

_With Damon and Katherine:_

"Hi Katherine", the words rolled of Damon's tongue so easily while checking his reflection in the mirror; Katherine pouted at the fact.

"Why don't you sound surprised?"

Damon chuckled.

"With Klaus dead it didn't take a genius to figure out you'd be back, it was just a matter of time".

Damon flashed his million dollar smile while getting himself bourbon.

"What bring you here Katherine?"

"I want Stefan back".

Damon couldn't stop his laughter.

"It must really suck to be you now that Elena is going to live forever. Stefan will chose her again and again in your face; oh well, at least now you'll know how I've felt all my life. Life is an ironic bitch, isn't it Kat?".

Katherine smirked.

"Oh, sarcastic Damon has come back. Can you get any sexier Salvatore?"

"Admit it Pierce, you just want what you can't have".

Katherine enjoyed their little bickering; although it seemed impossible it looked like Damon was coming to terms with everything she had done to him. They could almost be friends.

"You know I stand a chance Damon, Stefan never admits it but he has to love me somehow".

Damon smiled.

"Maybe but he won't choose you, ever. Even if Elena wasn't in the picture, Stefan wouldn't go down that road again. He's smarter than me Kat".

Katherine smirked.

"Love isn't for smart people, we both know that Damon".

"Then maybe I know better than him how to love".

Katherine smiled thinking that he was probably right. Damon had always known how to love; in fact that was his problem, his emotions were always too intense.

"You should be happy I'm here, if I get Stefan Elena will be yours":

Damon's face got darker.

"Unlike you, she set me free Katherine. I won't pin for her during the next century and a half. I'm trying to move on and you should try it to Kat, it could be nice for a change".

Katherine didn't believe a word.

"You believe she is for you, you've always done Damon. Maybe you thought Stefan deserved her more but you've always known you are her true love".

Damon snorted.

"It doesn't matter what I believe or not Katherine, I won't waste more time trying to convince people to see things they don't want to see. I've got a date with a girl who actually wants to date me and not my brother".

Katherine laughed, Damon having a date?

"Yes, it's my true first date ever and you know what? I haven't felt lighter in a long time; in fact, I can't even remember the last time I felt as good as now so take my advice Kat. Klaus is dead, you are finally free, don't waste your time pinning for a guy who doesn't want you and who hasn't want you for over a century and a half now".

"Then why did he choose the one person who looks exactly like me to fall in love with Damon? Don't tell me he approached her because of her kind soul".

Damon shot Katherine a knowing look and smiled.

"We both know there are a lot of unsaid things in the book Kat but I've learned that, in the end, it doesn't matter how obvious it is: if it's not written, it doesn't exist".

With one last look Damon went to his date utterly convinced he was doing the right things letting a bewildered Katherine behind. Damon Salvatore had actually evolved, who would have thought?

_With Meredith and Damon: _

Damon Salvatore was actually nervous and he chuckled at the thought, him nervous: who would have believed?

He arrived at Meredith's house clad in a black leather jacket and dark tight denim jeans, his raven hair was messy as hell and his sapphire eyes were looking expectantly at the door. When a beautiful silhouette exited, he popped out of his blue Camaro in order to greet her in a good manner.

She was wearing a simple brown dress that matched her eyes with a green jacket that lightened her whole appearance but what really impressed Damon was her beautiful and truthful smile.

One smile and all the nerves were forgotten; that's what Damon liked so much about Meredith, she made him believe –for a little while at least- that life was nice, fun and easy. With her there wasn't a past full of hate and loses anymore, the present didn't hold doppelgangers, brothers, dead friends and unrequited loves; with her it was just him: Damon Salvatore.

There were not expectations to fulfil: she didn't need to be saved, she didn't ask about his ways to satisfy the desire for blood, she didn't see him as an angel or as a monster. The only thing she expects is for him to whom he is and it was so refreshing because, honestly, he had almost forgotten who he was.

"Hey Salvatore, how are you doing?"

Damon used his famous smirk before answering.

"Good, what about Mystic Fall's doctor?"

"I'm fine, so, rare we going to get drunk at the Grill?"

Damon shook his head playfully.

"Nope, no Grill tonight. This is a date doctor not a meeting with you're drinking buddy".

"That's funny because my drinking buddy looks so much like you".

"But I bet he is not as hot and gentle as I am".

With a smile Damon opened the door to the car and took her to Mystic Falls' most chic restaurant.

The evening was filled with laughter and joy and, soon enough, it was over.

Damon escorted Meredith to her house and they arrived at the door hand in hand.

"Are you not going to try to get into my pants the first night? I'm impressed Damon!"

Damon smirked and did his famous eye little thing, that thing every woman claimed to find ridiculous but that affected every one of them. He took Meredith by the waist and attracted her to his chest to whisper sensually into her ear:

"Believe me, it's not that I don't want to; in fact it's being pretty hard to not jump your bones right now and take you to vampire heaven but I've decided I should be a gentleman on the first date at least".

Meredith couldn't avoid the shiver running down her spine at his words. The feeling was definitely mutual.

"Mission accomplished, you've been a true gentleman Damon".

For a moment he felt as if he was back in the 1800's, he was that gentle boy still ignorant of the existence of Katherine Pierce and the supernatural world. Meredith could catch a glimpse of the original Damon: boyish green, romantic fantasies of undying and gentle love…

She felt sad for him, life had been harsh on him then she remembered that she wasn't the girl she once was anymore either. People change, life does that to persons. Then she realized that everything Damon had lived had led him to that moment, everything that happened had made him the man he was and he was a beautiful man; hurt, tormented, broken but beautiful.

"Thank you for tonight Meredith"

Meredith kissed Damon on the side of his mouth drawing a beautiful and surprised smile on his face. When she was entering the house, she turned around to say one last thing.

"I love "gentleman Damon" but I'm hoping to see another one on the second date if you know what I mean".

With a wink she closed the door while Damon's gaze followed her.

His first date ever had definitely been a good one.

_With Stefan and Katherine:_

"Hello love", Katherine purred while she was laying on Stefan's bed waiting for him.

This was the last thing Stefan expected to find when coming to the Boarding house to get a bit of fresh air. Being around Elena was getting difficult: she was changing and he didn't know what to do with it.

He had hoped to be alone at the Boarding house but it seemed his love life couldn't give him peace for one night.

"What are you doing here Katherine?"

"Since I'm free, I decided to come home".

Stefan snorted.

"Since when do you consider Mystic Falls your home Katherine?"

"I didn't come back to Mystic Falls, I came back to you and you just happened to be there. You are my home Stefan, the place where I want to be for eternity".

Stefan chuckled, she was unbelievable.

"What's this Katherine, your joke of the century? Get out of my house!"

Katherine stood up and stopped in front of Stefan, she caressed his right cheek tenderly and he was far too shocked to react.

"I get it Stefan. I hurt you, you hate me for having messed up your relationship with your brother and your life but you've got to stop to put the blame on everybody else".

"Excuse me?"

Katherine sighed.

"I may be a manipulative bitch who played you both but you fucked up your relationship with Damon Stefan, not me. You decided to turn in a vampire, nobody chose it for you."

Her hand descended to his chest.

"Even your problems with Elena are your fault".

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You fell in love with her because she was nothing like me. You cherish everything about her that is opposed to me: her innocence, purity, kindness… but now you have to face that she is other things. She can be the bad one too."

"Shut up!" Stefan screamed while getting away from Katherine.

"You and she had a point in common Stefan: you are in denial. You stick to each other hoping to have the lives you once had and to be the people you used to be. You cling on each other desperately hoping you won't have to face your true reflection in the mirror but it doesn't work that way".

"You don't know what you're talking about"

"Your brother confronted me. He confronted himself and his feelings for me. He confronted history. I confronted him too. You've been avoiding it for more than a century. You were in love with me Stefan and that kind of love doesn't just stop one day because you discover a monster in the other person".

Stefan exited the room.

"You can keep on running Stefan but it won't disappear! You'll have to face me one day!"

He ran at the highest speed he could trying to forget the words that haunted him:

_You cling on each other desperately hoping you won't have to face your true reflection in the mirror but it doesn't work that way_

_you are in denial_

_you've got to stop to put the blame on everybody else_

_you fucked up your relationship with Damon Stefan, not me_

_You can keep on running Stefan but it won't disappear! You'll have to face me one day_

In the meantime, Katherine kept whispering words of love over and over again:

"I'll wait for you Stefan; I'll wait eternity for you because that's what true love does. Forever…"

_With Bonnie and Klaus:_

"I think Caroline is suspecting something by now".

Bonnie sighed.

"Soon enough I'll have the cure for Elena and Caroline: they become humans again, you get your hybrids and leave this town forever".

"And if it doesn't work?"

Bonnie's eyes darkened.

"They will be deaths".

Klaus gasped.

"You're turning darker witch".

"That's what you get when you work with dark magic and even darker people. Give me one more month."

"How do I know you're not going to kill me once your friends are humans?"

Bonnie looked at Klaus with dark eyes:

"You don't".

_With Jeremy:_

"Hi buddy, how are you doing?"

Jeremy almost felt his heart exiting his chest at the sight of Alaric Saltzman's ghost.

"Don't worry Jeremy, it's the good me".

"Alaric"

"I can't stay right now; tell Damon I need to talk to him soon. I'll be back".

_That night in Mystic Falls:_

Some of us sleep peacefully trusting that, for once, life is offering them hope and comfort. For the first time in long weeks, Damon and Meredith were not assaulted by nightmares, heart aches or worries; they both slept with a smile on their face, waiting for the next day to come.

And while some can be so close even in different beds, others can sleep next to each other while being miles away. Stefan and Elena had the same person on their mind: Katherine pierce. Her words haunted their sleep and their world was turned upside down. They didn't talk but they both knew: nothing would ever be like before.

Some dreamt next to a stranger who looked absolutely familiar. Caroline snuggled up in Tyler's arms each day more convince that something wasn't right about it while Klaus enjoyed the closeness he got.

Bonnie slept alone, enveloped by the coldness, loneliness and danger of those who play with fire knowing that, sooner or later, somebody is going to get hurt.

Above them all the stars, the stars that hold the story they are all part of, the stars in which they lives and loves are written.

The stars had delivered their magic, destiny has begun and there is no turn back anymore.

"_**You often meet your fate on the road you take to avoid it."  
Goldie Hawn**_

_Here you go! Sorry for the delay and thanks to all those who are reading the story. What do you think of what Katherine had to say? Let me know, review! Cheers!_


	9. Over

_**Yes, you aren't dreaming, it's a new chapter, I'm alive!**_

_**I was pretty pissed at Elena Gilbert at the end of season 3 and I'm even more pissed at the begining of season 4… I'm just saying Elena's fans. **_

_**Hope you enjoy **____** (sorry for the mistakes, mi corrector doesn't work with english right now!)**_

_**I'm a lazy ass so review if you want more!**_

"_**What state do you live in?**_

_**Denial." **_

―_**Bill Watterson**__**, **__**The Essential Calvin And Hobbes**_

"_but I can't be selfish with you…"_

Elena jolted from the bed transpiring and hyperventilating.

He loved her, he had confessed that he loved her so much time ago and he had been selfless, again.

"Elena, love, are you allright?"

Stefan. Her boyfriend. Her soulmate. She had almost forgotten about his existence.

"I am fine, just a dream".

Stefan sighed.

"A nightmare about you turning?"

"Yeah, that's it".

She was getting so good at lying that soon enough she wouldn't be able to distinguish her truths from her lies.

"I'll get changed and go for a run, i need fresh air".

Stefan sighed while she got out of bed, things could not go on like that; something had to be done.

**With Damon and Katherine:**

"Are you really letting her go?"

Damon sighed.

"Hello again Kat, see you won't give up that soon."

"You won't be able to".

"And what I'm supposed to do? Let her walk all over my heart again and again until I can't take it anymore and walk out in the sun? We both know I am a masochist Kat, i can take a lot".

Katherine smirked when a knock on the door interrupted them.

"Look who's there, a doppleganger of mine. Damon, I think your borther's girlfriend is here to see you", Katherine pouted at Elena.

"What is she doing here?"

Katherine laughed. It was funny how Elena's fierceness was much more present when she went near Damon than when she announced her she was going to fight for Stefan. Interesting.

"Visiting I guess, I believe she has already informed you she wants Golden boy too. What do you want Elena? Not to sound harsh or anything but I'm pretty busy."

"We need to talk. In private".

Katherine threw her hands in the air.

"Fine baby vampire, fine. I'll see you later Damon, say hello to Meredith for me!"

The door closed and Elena walked in until she was nose to nose with Damon.

"What's the matter now?"

"How can you talk me like that?"

Damon sighed.

"Well, sorry Elena but lately you seem to have a lot of problems with me. Oh, wait, it's not just now, it's been like that since the beginning."

Elena stomped on her foot in a childish way.

"Maybe if you didn't compel me to forget things we would have lesser problems!"

Oh, thought Damon, here we go; second memory remembered. Thank god and the devil he didn't compel her a third time.

"You didn't have a right".

Damon chuckled.

"That's pretty funny, don't you think Elena? You have the right to say you just care about me, Stefan has the right to go on ripper phase, everybody has every right but I can't do anything!"

Elena scoffed. She was getting pissed at him and his little game.

"Don't turn this into self loathing and compassion. It has nothing to do with it."

Damon pointed his finger at Elena's chest and yelled at her for the first time in months.

"They were my feelings Elena! I can do whatever I want with them! I did you a favor that night as i have done many times but for some unknown reason you don't seem to take the hint!"

"You took from me the possibility to love you back!"

"No, I didn't! You have made a choice everyday since we met Elena and you knew I loved you, you've always known."

"Well, maybe I love you too!"

The momento the words left Elena's mouth, everything became frozen; a nuclear bomb would have done less emotional damage.

As always, before he got a chance to react, Elena ran away terrified by what she had just said. What she didn't see in her desperate reaction was Katherine standing two feets away from the boarding house, smirking, as happy as ever.

**With Stefan an Caroline:**

"Are you sure you want this Stefan? Isn't it a bit drastic?", asked a sceptic Caroline.

"It's the only way Care, we have no other door open".

The curled blond sighed and put her hand on Stefan's shoulder, showing him her support.

"It's going to be okay".

"I know".

Two minutes later Elena arrived trying to hide the nervousness written all over her face. She had spend all day out, without any explanation. By the time she made it home it was midnight and Stefand and Caroline were waiting for her on the sofá. The blond kissed her and left her with her boyfriend promising to visit the next day.

**Stefan and Elena:**

"Let's go outside, we need to talk".

The moonlight was bathing Elena's face and she had never appeared so beautiful but sad to him. He knew what he was about to do was the best for both of them, specially for her.

"I love you Elena, I've loved you since the minute I laid eyes on you and have never stopped. I know things have never been easy and that this isn't our best momento but I think it's the right one to take the next step. You chose me and I think I have to reciprocate and show you that I choose you, all the facs of you."

Stefan sighed while Elena felt her heartbeat increasing.

"Care to give me you hand?"

Elena accepted and watched paralysed how Stefan took off Damon's ring and let it drop on the floor.

That ring meant the world to him, it was his mother's and had endedn dropped on the floor because of her. She wanted to scream, to tell Stefan to stop whatever he was doing but she couldn't find her voice so she just sat there, looking at the ring on the floor, Damon's declaration of love and her own words from the morning echoing through her thoughts. She must have seemed so calm to somebody who was seeing her from the exterior but inside a huracan was going on.

Stefan took a Green ring from his pocket and slided i tonto her newly naked finger.

"It's a day ring but I want it also to symbolyse our love and our union for eternity, if you accept of course."

She couldn't explain why she did what she did, she didn't want to think about it, it was just the way things worked, her decisión.

"Of course love, of course I do".

Hearing her, one couldn't say if she had just kind of married the love of her live or if she had signed her own death certificate but it didn't matter to Stefan, neither did it to her. That night they had began something new, something they had fully compromised with.

**Damon and Katherine:**

When Damon returned home that day, he found his lapis-lazuli ring on his bed with Katherine next to it.

The first reaction was to worry, has something happened to Elena? A look at Katherine's face calmed him, it had not happened to Elena, it had happened to him, as always.

"She kind of married Stefan on her porch tonight and is wearing a green ring from now on."

He could have screamed. He could have laid down and cry. He could have kicked something or just walked away. He could have done anything but he laughed. Out of all the possibilities, he chose the most absurd one because the situation was grotesque, his life was one big absurd play that never ended.

When the laugh died, he heard Katherine's voice asking:

"That's all?"

Damon's eyes pierced her while he sat on the bed, took the ring and put it back on his finger before answering:

"I can see it now. She never deserved it to begin with".

Katherine sighed.

"I am a bit disappointed at your brother, I'm not sure I want to live in the Twilight zone, Bella is boring".

Damon chuckled.

"Maybe they are not in denial, maybe it's us. We've been having this crazy theory they are not Edward and Bella, maybe they're just as plain, cheesy, boring and perfect as them".

Katherine sighed and went for the door.

"Don't do anything stupid Damon, like you said, not worthy".

Damon sighed.

The pone rang.

"Damon Salvatore, who is it? Oh, hey Mer, how are you doing?"

She wanted a second date at one in the morning… He could forget everything in her arms, he could loved her against Elena Gilbert… but that wasn't right.

She had been honest with him, she had been nice and he liked her.

The truth was Elena's words had affected him in the morning, hope had appeared in his heart. How many times needed it to be crushed to finally die? It was worst than a Freddy VS Krugger movie.

He had been utterly crushed seeing the ring on his bed. He had not any strength left to figh, he didn't want to and he promised himself that tomorrow would be another day not ruined by Elena Gilbert but running to Meredith right now would be dishonest to her and to himself.

Damon was many things but had never been dishonest in over a century and a half. He had the truth, it was the only thing he had going for him and he wouldn't lose it; anything but the truth.

"i've had a rough day, I think it's better if we have that date on the weekend. Does friday sounds good to you? Yeah? Perfect, i'll call you by then. Bye Mer, good night."

Hanging up the pone and letting himself drop on the bed, a thought entered his mind while contemplating his ring.

For the first time ever he considered the possibility that maybe, just maybe, Elena was a heart cold bitch he could hate a little or, at least, love a little less. The Elena Gilbert he loved could have been a product of his imagination, his denial.

"_**How 'bout a shot of truth in that denial cocktail." **_

―_**Jennifer Salaiz**_


	10. Acceptance

"**Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself." **

― **Deborah Reber****, **_**Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul**_** "**

I hope Bonnie will get it right. Can you imagine? I've been dreaming about this all my life! Being human again…"

Stefan was giving his speech with stars in his eyes and his joy was so strong that Elena could only share it. He showed his most charming smile and took a seat next to her on the porch.

"We would grow old, we would be able to stay in Mystic Falls without moving every five years or so. We could marry Elena, marry and have beautiful children. Can you picture it?"

Marriage and childre, of course she could. Stefan was the perfect guy for that, she had always believed it. What she never told him was that before her parent's accident, she dreamt of going far away from Mystic Falls and live ten good years of adventure before setting down. She sighed. It didn't matter anyway, that Elena was gone for good. She also hoped Bonnie's magic would work: for Stefan's sake and for hers, it was obvious by now that being a vampire wasn't her thing.

Crystal blue eyes interrupted her deep thoughts, Damon Salvatore: always the best momento to appear.

"Brother"

"Damon"

Stefan and Damon's relationship was at its strangest point: they didn't hate each other but they were incredibly distant, Elena would have said a kind of cold war and –of course- she had to side with Stefan.

"I need to have a Word with Elena, if you allow me of course"

Damon's dramatic bow made Elena roll her eyes while Stefan sighed in a resigned way. It couldn't do any wreong: Elena has chosen him, she has chosen to fight to become human again… he had won, end of story.

"Sure, I'll go hunting"

Elena couldn't help but feel her stomach turning while picturing Stefan killing some innocent baby animal, for some unknown reason a human's death was way more esthetic than an animal's.

He kissed her on the cheek and Damon didn't open his mouth until Stefan couldn't be seen anymore.

Elena sighed, looking at everywhere but his eyes, she saw his lapis lazuli ring on his finger and knew the conversation she wanted to avoid was to come.

"I see you found the ring"

Damon chuckled. He wasn't going to play that game, not anymore anyway.

"It was hard to miss it"

"Look Damon…"

Damon's index upon her lips made it clear she was not to make any sound. It didn't matter anymore, she had given him all the information he needed to have.

"I talk, you listen. I've come here just to tell you that your training is over"

Elena gasped and was about to open her mouth before he pushed his finger against her lips.

"You don't want to be a vampire. I get it. You don't want to be like me, I get it too."

Seeing Elena's desire to retort, he added:

"Yes, it hurts but I am not blind. Each time you get loose, you come dangerously closet to one part of yourself who looks a bit too mucho like me. You don't want to be that girl who is just like me and who is so attracted to me and it's your choice."

Elena was speechless, her choice? Since when did Damon give her a choice?

"Don't look at me like that Elena, I've given you the truest of all choices. I have showed you the girl that is deep down in you, the one you wanted to become not so long ago. I have told you all the rules of the game, even the ugly ones. To give someone a real choice is to give him the truth so he can choose freely, knowing everything he needs to. I gave you that and someday, you may even aknowledge it".

Damon took his finger back and sat down next to her.

"I give up Elena. I thought deep down you wanted to know that girl too so you could decide who you were and wanted to be but, obviously, you don't. I'm not going to push it further. You want to be with Stefan and love only him? Fine. Don't want to be a vampire? Good luck with that. Scared to be like me? Don't worry, I won't fight you on that point anymore".

Elena looked at Damon as if he was telling her something she couldn't comprehend, she felt if was important but out of her grasp.

"What are you trying to say Damon?"

Damon offered her his infamous smirk.

"All this time I've been your antogonist. You think it's been Katherine, but you're wrong; it was me, since the very beginning. I've done what every good antagonist doeas: be your mirror. I've put you in front of everything you wanted to deny and hide, I've been your conscious in some fucked up way. It's over."

He took a deep breath, touched his ring with his fingers and looked at her deep in the eyes:

"You told me you let me go by choosing Stefan, I am letting you go now Elena. I'm done challenging you since you don't want it. You are free from me. Since you are so sure it's Stefan and only him, you should avoid intimate moments with me. If you don't want to be like me, you should spend less time with me and if you don't want to be a vampire, I think it would be wiser you spend the time you do in training in searching for a "cure" instead".

Elena could just look at him with her mouth opened, she needed time.

"Don't you want it too? Be a human?"

She didn't know why the words left her mouth, she hadn't thought about it until then. Stefan's plan was to take them back to humanity but, what about Damon? He was the one to not want to turn, what about him?

Damon smiled one of the saddest smile she had ever seen.

"You're wrong".

The words were whispered and without her vampire abilities Elena wouldn't have heard them.

"What do you mean?"

"He thinks going back to be a human will change everything. He thinks it will erase all the bad done and lived but he's wrong. Katherine won't be erased. Him killing our father won't be erased. His ripper phases won't be erased. He can't go back to whom he was."

He took a deep breath and Elena felt her body shake.

"Life goes on Elena, it goes on until you die. There's else nothing else. Stefan tries to resolve his problems by finding a magical way of erase them instead of facing them".

"Don't attack him because he has hope".

Damon sneered.

"It hurts me! It hurts me to see how he goes on and on trying to deny the last century and a half, it's a loss of time! And the same goes about you Elena: going back to human won't erase everything you fight so hard to hide because the truth is your problems and Stefan's were there way before you became vampires".

"Stop"

Damon sighed.

"You're right. I told you I wasn't going to put my nose in it. I hope you find your cure and it does wonders but I'm not interested in denying myself."

He suddenly stood up and said one last thing.

"I'm taking a vacation. I'll be gone for a week and when I come back, I'll keep my distances."

He turned to leave but Elena's voice made him stop.

"What if something happens? What do I do?"

Damon chuckled and threw his hands in the air.

"All of you are always fucking up my plans because you think yours are much better, this is your chance to prove it! Oh, and Elena! You are free of Damon Salvatore, throw a party or something!"

Then he disappeared and she couldn't help but ask herself if this time it would be for good.

"**For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain." **

― **Henry Wadsworth Longfellow**


	11. Author's note: important

Author's note:

To those of you who are pissed about the fact that Elena and Damon are not together in this story:

This is a journey I take my characters on, are Elena and Damon getting together anytime soon? I don't know, I have an idea when I write a chapter but the music playing in the background, the wind singing against my Windows or a TVD episode can change that idea absolutely and I thnk it's the beauty of writing but I can't give you any answers. I don't have them.

Will there be a development in Elena and Damon's relationship? Of course! They have a long way to go yet, they have to grow up and then see if the road they take lead them to each other or not.

Is Elena going to realize she loves Damon since the beginning in a second and will they be happy forever? No, absolutely not. I get you like to read that, even that you need to read it but i think they are enough stories to tell you just that. In my world is way more complicated and, let me tell you something: Elena and Damon's relationship deserves better than that.

Are Damon and Elena ending up together? Again, I don't know. Damon is falling in love with Meredith but of course he loves Elena with his soul. Elena have very deep and strong feelings for Damon and she'll need to aknowledge it but that doesn't mean she will end up with him.

Now that you have the same answers I do, I ask you: should I continue this story? I don't mean to sound angry, not at all. It's just that I write for me, if you want to share it I love to put it online, if you don't like where it's going, I can just keep it on my pc so please tell me.


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